Am I being a B?

Question

So...long story. My husband owns a landscaping company. He is a super friendly guy and a great salesperson. He also does the vast majority of the labor in addition to business operations. He became friends with a customer- a cute, smart, single, female customer. No big deal. One night in December, she texts him at about 9 pm, saying "Everything ok? I haven't heard from you in a while." I thought that weird but he assured me it was a misunderstanding. A few weeks later she texts at 11:00 pm when we were about to go to bed about a concert coming to town- saying it was a band she didn't like or something. Again, he said it was a miscommunication and my feelings of insecurities were unfounded. I just felt weird. I don't text male coworkers about personal stuff late at night bc of professional  boundaries,  but also out of respect for their families.  The situation just really hit me wrong. Over the next month, their friendship progressed and he was texting with her 3-5x each week. I told him how much it bothered me, that it would not be hard for this relationship to move from appropriate to inappropriate quite easily, and how emotional affairs can be more damaging than physical ones. He continued to say nothing inappropriate was happening and started to place blame on my insecurities and my "bad attitude." I agreed that we could go to lunch with her so I could meet her. Time came up and I was sick. I literally had pneumonia. I told my husband that I didn't feel like going out, that I would prefer to stay home and not cough all over this strangers lunch, but I would let him make the final call. I was wanting him to say "no. We are canceling. You need rest." I realize this was a little passive aggressive of me and I didn't communicate my expectations with him clearly, but I felt like he clearly chose her over me. We went, I coughed and hacked, things were cordial albeit a touch awkward. WhenI expressed how I felt like I was second- that he chose lunch with a friend over his wife's health, he told me that was ridiculous. As a side note, I actually ended up sicker the next several days. This situation keeps coming up. He says I am on his case constantly about "who are you talking to. Who are you texting, where did you go today?" When in reality, those are questions I have always asked and I am curious since this is a brand new business that he is trying to get off the ground and a lot of MY faith has gone into it as well. I just want to know what's happening.

We had a huge fight about this on Saturday. He blew up. I have never seen him in such a rage. He couldn't listen to me bc he was so angry. He told me if I didn't quit acting this way we were going to end up divorced and it would be completely my fault. He told me that he is going to run his business the way HE wants to and I had no right to know anything about it- only trust that he is going to make it work (this is the 3rd self owned business in 4 years and his 7th job). He said I had no say in who his friends were or how much time he spent with them bc it was HIS life and I am not going to control it.  All I asked was if instead of texting with her about personal stuff 5 days a week, maybe he could dial it back to 2 days a week just around when he is scheduled to take care of her lawn. I am not asking that he never speak to her or he drop her as a customer or that he even stop being friendly with her...just back off. He was beyond furious that I tempted to "control" his life when he has done nothing wrong. It was an awful night. The next day he work up and acted as if nothing ever happened. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. Just waiting until I ask the question that is "too much." He told me I don't ask enough questions...I am just lost.  Understand this is not my fault and in a healthy marriage, he would say "I am not doing anything wrong but my wife is the most important person to me, so I will step back from this friendship so she can see that." I understand he isn't doing that.

Now to the real question...

We are actively TTC. He was a little freaked out when we decided to start trying, but he said he was on board. We hit some bumps here and there...I can be a bit single minded when I have a "project." At first I was being too much and he felt a lot of pressure to "perform." I have backed off a lot and we are having trouble. Low progesterone and estrogen. I saw the reproductive endocrinologist yesterday. When I made the appt, they requested my spouse come,  but said it wasn't mandatory. Of course he said he couldn't make it. They sent me a cup home for a semen analysis and said we needed to call to schedule it. I asked him at noon about a time and he said he couldn't get to,his schedule then, then he couldn't think about it at 8 pm either. He didn't want to hear about my appointment and was pretty noncommittal when I told him I would need him to drive me to and from the hsg test bc I would be doped up on Valium. He says he wants this pregnancy to happen...his actions just are not showing.

I got to thinking yesterday, but all of this started when we decided to TTC. Do you think he is just freaked out about the possibility of a baby and acting out? The behavior escalated when the referral for the RE was made. It almost seems like he was a little freaked out, but it was ok bc we were having trouble, and now that things have progressed to us really getting a handle on what the problem is, he is panicking? I feel like this chick is almost like a last cling onto a life of being carefree and independent.

I know he does this. He did it before our wedding, but chilled out afterwards. It's just recalling screwing with my self esteem and my stability. If you think this is the case, what can I do to help him see he is ready and we will be ok?

Please, don't tell me how this is emotional abuse, how I need to leave him, how he is having an emotional affair, that we have no business having a baby with these types of issues or anything else negative. I know these things. I am not going to leave him, I choose to stay in this because I know he doesn't want to treat me this way. I am not going to give an ultimatum and I am not going to contact this woman. Just help me figure out how to reassure my husband- who I love dearly and respect greatly- that we are as ready for this as anyone ever is and that we will be excellent parents together.

Thanks! ❤

Answer

I think you need counseling. I wouldn't be giving my husband and ultimatum ether or making demands. I don't tell him who to be friends with. However, he's silencing you. He's not hearing your concerns or attempting to make you feel better. He's also not protecting your marriage. Those ARE real issues. A baby will not fix them. You have 9-10 long months of pregnancy before he is landed with a baby and understands the full weight of what that means, not to mention you aren't even pregnant yet. This pregnancy  could be very tumultuous.

You need him to hear you, and he's not. You need him to respect you, and he's not. These are big issues. If he won't listen to you, then I'd get some help mediating those conversations.

We were TTC a long time with our first born and needed fertility assistance. When it came time to the sorry sample, a very stressful thing for a man, my husband was nervous, but we did it right away. He wanted our family as much as I did. I know he lost sleep over it. I know he was stressed and don't want it to be "his fault" we weren't conceiving. I know his manhood was challenged in that moment. But he stepped up, because that's the man I married. In the end, he was fine.

I think he's not ready to conceive. I think if he was, he would take those steps without nagging and constant conversation.

Counseling. And stop TTC until you know he's ready.

Answer

So you don't want to hear how it's emotional abuse, you shouldn't have a baby with him, you should leave him, and how he's having an emotional affair, blah blah blah. What you want to hear is reassurance that your husband who treats you poorly is just "acting out"? Sorry I can't tell you that because it would be a lie.

Answer

Im gonna say this and this is just me how you run your relationship is your business but if its work it stays at work no female and i mean no female is texting my husband about anything period about anything if she had a question about her lawn she should ask when he does her lawn or any other questions why he is on the job when he leaves conversation is over i think its totally inappropriate for her just to randomly text him anything and two that he allows it i would not be having it my husband has zero female friends not because i dont allow it but because he is uncomfortable with it he has females he talks to at work but when he leaves his job thats it

Answer

I totally agree that you guys need counseling. I don't think any of that is huge, but it's definitely a warning ... Better to nip these issues in the bud. I would let the restaurant thing go - you're right that you shouldn't have volunteered to go when you felt ill; he just took you at your word. The thing that would concern me is all the texting. Honestly from the get go, the first two texts being "miscommunications" - that's an outright falsehood, there was nothing to be miscommunicated unless she had the wrong number. It was a little weird & personal for her to text like that, but if he had acknowledged that & said they were becoming friends instead of making a bizarre excuse I'd be less worried.
 
I do think it's ok for men to be friends with women while married, but I think you're right in feeling there's something a bit off here, and counseling would clear that up as well as help you overcome your insecurities.

Answer

If I can giv a suggestion to you is that you should not get pregnant until you sort out your marriage. Don't put that pressure on both of you. Perhaps he doesn't wants to become a father but he is not saying it. You said that he said it but his actions don't show. I'll wait and stop the pressure. Is not your fault. Men when they are cheating or when they are up to something get very angry and defensive. 
Be tough and strong when you talk to him. Choose a time with him to have a conversation. Don't bring up the situation out of the blue or in the middle of lunch per day. 
Tell him how you feel and seek help from a councwñor if needed. Let us know how it goes. I wish you the best!

Answer

You should surprise him, get a bunch of candles and rose petals and turn on some Barry white and make awesome amazing love like you guys have never before, and then after when you guys are laying together, gently talk about ttc, and how amazing it would be to have a little peanut running around the house, and how beautiful of a family you guys will have. Surprise him, show a little extra love, and let him know that you're the best wife ever and that he should cherish you and put you on a pedestal 😌❤

Am I being a B?

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