One year ago today
This will be long, so sorry in advance. But I need to get this out there and I know many of you ladies can relate.
3/3/16 was the worst day of my life. I went in for a normal prenatal checkup and found out the my sweet child was gone. I have never felt so alone, afraid, and and distraught as I did in that moment. All my joys and hopes for the future were shattered in an instant. I never thought that I'd find my way out of the heartache left in the absence of my child. But slowly, the days got better. I found myself finding a reason to get up in the mornings. I found myself getting back into my normal routine.
And then it happened again. Another baby here and then gone in an instant. This time the pain was worse. My heart that had not fully healed bore the weight of two losses. What I thought had been painful a few short months before was nothing compared to what I felt now.
The year wore on and I never fully recovered. My husband and I stopped trying to have children because it was mentally and emotionally too much for me to bear.
But then it happened. I woke up one morning and knew. I was pregnant again, this time not planned at all. I feared for this child. I prayed for him feircely. I wanted him more than anything. A peace came over me - deep down I knew that this time would be different. This time would be ok.
So here I am, one year later 23 weeks pregnant with my beautiful baby boy. I still fear for him and worry about him constantly, but I just know in my gut that everything is going to be ok. I feel him kicking inside of me and know that this blessing is God's plan for my life. His life has in a way given me a new life - something new to hope for and love.
I have cried so much for my lost children today. I miss who they could've been. I miss never knowing them, but I am so grateful for the life inside of me now and am patiently waiting for the day I get to hold him in my arms.
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