why didn't he want me?

I'm 19 and I've despised my father since I was 12 and realized I'd never be good enough for him. I'd never be good enough to for him to keep a single promise to me. I'd never be good enough for him to want to live longer, and stop smoking. I'd never be good enough for him to put down a bottle for ONE SINGLE DAY. He'd let me starve as a child while he slept to cure his hangover.  Just I don't fucking understand how your child couldn't change your life for the better? How could I have been good enough for him to want me bad enough to be a decent human being? Why couldn't he have loved me, instead of saying he loved me because "that's what fathers are supposed to do"? Why did I have to have a father that made me search for male attention because I never received any from him? Why did I hardly have a father at all?