Chemical Pregnancy

I was so excited to see that positive and so scared at the same time. I suspected something was wrong from the start with the cramping and the spotting. It hurt and maybe it helped me localize the pain in my moments of doubt. But today, I know you're not with me anymore. The heavy bleeding and the cramps, the almost non-existent line on the test most of all. I held your spirit in my arms all night long. Cradled the spot where my belly would have extended to carry all of your wonder, joy, and life until you became your own person. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I don't want to grieve. I just want you. I wanted to hold you in my arms and breathe in your unique scent and know that you were real. Please stay with me, Baby B. Please don't leave. It's selfish of me, but I just need you here. Why does this hurt so much. Thank you for that one beautiful night of joy and motherhood and everything. I'm counting down the days to when you would have been born and maybe by then, I'll be able to let you go. Not forget, but let you become something more than just a lingering soul. Please keep me company until then.

Sincerely,

Mama

4 weeks 4 days