Today

Today I was supposed to be 7 weeks pregnant,  today is the day I could just feel something wasn't right, today is the day I heard the dreaded words I won't forget "I'm sorry I don't see a heartbeat". I knew it was coming, call it mothers intuition. I had been having brown spotting on occasion since we found out that we were expecting the 2nd baby that we prayed for. But this week, these past few days were different. Brown spotting on occasion turned into a tinge of pink here and was noticed much more frequently. Called my OB at the time (I was in the process of switching to the OB office I work at) they reassured me and scheduled me for what would be my 2nd ultrasound the following morning. Nervous, we went and to our surprise there that sweet flicker was. Relieved I pushed the bleeding/spotting to the back of my mind as some small blood vessels breaking (I had a cold for several days lots of coughing and sneezing). Filled in the Dr at work the following day and she had me schedule for a couple weeks out. That night the spotting turned to bright red bleeding with some tissue on occasion but still not heavy, the cramps were noticeable but not terrible...I held out hope. Got to work today and bleeding persisted until mid morning....Dr said let's have a look I can fit you in during lunch. Bless my sweet co-worker who accompanied me during the dreaded moments that followed. My baby is not here....it never will be. It's killing me to know that my baby is with me but there's nothing I can do to help him....to suddenly make this nightmare go away. I'm scheduled Monday afternoon for a D&C providing I don't pass on my own over the weekend (Dr considered it unlikely as my cervix is still closed and my bleeding miraculously stopped after the ultrasound). I've put on my brave face and faced the world outwardly with as much courage as I can while inside I feel I'm falling part wanting to run, flee, live in a magical world where these nightmares don't exist...how do I continue on?