i was raped & i blame myself!

i have never been able to say those words outloud. even writing it sends this shock through my body that's just unexplainable. i have never been able to talk to anyone about it except my so but lately it's been on my mind all the time & i would like to share my story. i know it can be a tough subject but i've always felt expressing yourself & talking helps. i had just started culinary school & i was always the shy girl so before starting school i told myself to make friends, be more outgoing, go out with people...etc. well i met a couple of friends & one day we all hang out in a group after school & it was fun. that's where i met him. he came up to me & he was charming & funny, kinda cute. we flirted all the time in school so one day he invited me to the park. i went & we had a nice time. he was a gentleman the whole time, really respectful & caring so when he invited me out again i said yeah. i went out with him a couple more times & the most he did was kiss me but he always asked if he could first. i never would've thought there was a monster buried deep inside. so then it happened.. i remember he invited me to his house for a movie night & obviously i said yeah. it was the first time i went to his house & it all started off okay. he put a movie on & we layed down. so by this time i was interested but he never made a move so me being confident i decided to sneak in a kiss or two. eventually we're making out, he gets on top of me & then he goes for my pants. at this point i'm like "whoa too soon stop". when i look up this mans face has a completely different look to it. (currently in tears writing this..) he looked soo possessed or something. & he just says no & pins me down with one hand while taking my pants off with the other. i begged him over & over to stop... i won't go into more detail but eventually he flips me on top of him to ride him & i see my opportunity to run!! i grabbed all my stuff & ran out. the next day was the last day of the semester at my school so i had to see him. i was more angry in the beginning because he took away my choice & he tricked me into thinking he was this great respectful gentleman when truly he was just a monster. i went to his house again after school (had a weapon on me this time) & confronted him & he said he had to forgive me for making him turn into a monster. that it was all my fault.. eventually my anger turned into full blown depression & i still to this day can't explain to myself why someone would do that. what give him the right? i never reported it because i was so ashamed & embarrassed. i went to his house, i put myself in the situation.. now when i meet new people i have 0 trust in them. i can't make friends, i can't be alone with guys. feels like this will never get better.