Unable to have sex

I want to write this in hopes it helps just one person. I'm finally able to talk about it openly and would love to help someone - our struggles cannot be for nothing right?

I waited to have sex until I got married. I was 25 and grew up rather sheltered. On my wedding night, I was scared and stiff and ticklish, so I just assumed I was shy and that I'd blossom on our honeymoon. Well. Any time he got near me I got nervous and backed away. SO odd, because we had done a lot of physically intimate things in dating, but for some reason, him getting near my genitals was terrifying. It wasn't necessarily pain, but it was the fear of pain that overwhelmed me and forced me to recoil. I've never been sexually abused that I know of, either.

We both are action oriented, so after 3 weeks of not being able to do anything sexual (despite hours and hours and hours of trying), we went to see a sex therapist.

Long story short, it took 2 more years, daily "working on it" and a very patient husband. In year 2 I bought a set of dilators and slowly was able to overcome my fear of penetration.

I thought there would never be a day when we could have sex. I thought we just got handed a raw deal in life. And during those years I felt like our marriage was not legitimate.

It was, and healing came. In fact, the first time we had sex, we got pregnant. It was the biggest blessing. After I delivered my baby, the midwife found remnants of my hymen in my vagina. That is what was causing pain and then, ultimately, fear of pain.

I'm happy to say that we have a 15 month old and we have a sex life now. That is a sentance I never imagined writing.

Anyway, I left out a lot of details, so if you're struggling with something like this, I would be more than happy to connect with you. Don't struggle alone, it's so dark and lonely.