scared to be a mom

Ok. I was never a "kid person" I actually only babysat for 2 hours tops in my life. I always thought babies were cute but not a fan of kids. I got pregnant by surprise, wanted an abortion and long story short my ex convinced me to keep the kid with promises of all this support and he'll be there every step of the way he believe we are meant to be a family bla bla...he left me at 23 weeks for another woman and I've been doing this alone. I always envisioned having a partner there to rub my belly, help me out of bed and when the baby gets here taking turns getting up at night but he has gone so far down hill his priority is his relationship and their blended family and I know he won't be here to help me at night. With all that being said I haven't been able to get excited about my pregnancy and I'm 3 weeks away from my c section and still haven't had the excitement kick in it all, only dread and fear of the responsibility and major life change and resentment for letting him convince me to make this decision and abandoning me. I keep hearing that the motherly instinct will kick in But I'm afraid for me it won't. I mean I def have a sense of protectiveness of my baby but that's about the only connection I can say is there. been on YouTube all day looking up first time mom pointers/advice to try and get somewhat prepared but I just end up having anxiety attacks.