Made it to 8 weeks and 4 days

I just don't understand. I probably never will it breaks my heart everytime it happens. It's happened 5 times now and people are like you should be okay now. No hell no I lost 5 babies and I don't know why. There's no reason why it keeps happening. My so called step mom told me the other day I know someone that had her baby got to hold her in her arms then lost her. It probably hurts more that way. No like no don't ever say that to me. Yes I know going through the 9 months and having him or her probably hurts more then having miscarriages. But listening I lost my baby if you don't have a d&c and pass it on your own you flush your baby down the toilet. Sorry guys I know I just can't get over it. Like I flushed 3 of my babies down the toilet and it kills me. And I'll probably end up passing this one. I'm 19 healthy as can be and can't seem to have a baby. My real mother does drugs and has 4 healthy kids. I know people that do drugs while pregnant and end up having healthy babies. My aunt that's not my aunt anymore had 3 healthy babies then got on drugs really bad like crazy and she ended up pregnant and at about 5 months because she was doing drugs and wanted to be stupid and not get off the drugs and she killed that poor baby. I have no respect for people like that. I know someone that sold her twins for drugs. Like why do people like that have kids but healthy people that would love and give that baby everything can't have one? I have faith in God and I know he has a plan for everyone. I just sometime don't understand you know. Sorry guess I just don't have anyone to talk to and just want to say what's on my mind. Our rainbow baby will come I just know it. I'm just so heart broken right now. First baby made it to 10 weeks and a day. The second, third and fourth made it to 6 weeks  and this one we made it to 8 weeks and 4 days. Mommy and daddy loves all 5 of our angels 👼🏾👼🏾👼🏾👼🏾👼🏾 Always and Forever. To beautiful for earth.