The first day of 30 weeks (journal entry)

Hallelujah! I am now at the threshold at the homestretch! I am so glad to be here - in a way it actually feels more official now. I have now had 4-5 weeks of the 3rd trimester feelings. Constantly drawing me back to both third trimesters of my other children. 

* Striving to find a comfortable position to sleep in at night.

* Crazy and vivid dreams.

* Bladder so raging full in the middle of the night, that it cannot be ignored and I find I must force my self to put one foot in the front of the other and get myself to the bathroom. 

* Heartburn so violent, that I daily cycle through as much as half of a dozen remedies, both natural and otc to try to keep on top of it. 

* The moments of feeling so heavy and feeling every fiber in my belly stretching and growing. 

* It's getting harder to get up and down from the bed or couch. 

* Household chores have become such a struggle. When I am an able to keep up with the math my kids leave in their wake.

* Overall being uncomfortable in my own body, sometimes from head to toe with nothing specific to pinpoint.

But on the upside, every single movement from my baby brings me joy!  The more I feel him, the more I can visualize the glorious end result of seeing him with my own eyes, hearing his every sound, and feeling him without the inhibition of skin, tissue and muscle. And this makes it all worth it!

A month into this trimester, I have had a realization and know that I must see it through. I think it is a vital key to my labor and delivery. For quite some time now I have been working towards preparing more physically. Daily assuming the positions that I want to cycle during labor. But today I realize what a partial fragment the physical preparations are. I have come to realize more than ever, how much greater mental and emotional influence is on the laboring process of a birthing mother, then the mere focus and intention that physical preparation is. I still believe that physical preparation indeed has its place it is extremely necessary. But if mental and emotional preparation fall behind, we are left with desperate questions as to why our list of things seemed fruitless.

Today, I ask myself, how can I enjoy the final quarter? How can I avoid hating it and being relentlessly controlled by it? These questions but scratch the surface of my latest realization - which is, although contractions in labor and my daily stresses and struggles that run my life are two vastly different things - ultimately, they hit the same synapses and points in my brain.

My new goal for when the birthing time comes is to love every bit of the process. This may seem outlandish and impossible to some. And that's okay, we're all a very different points of our journeys, observations and experiences. It can be so natural for birthing mothers to come to resist each birthing wave with fear and have an utter feeling of loss of control growing steadily, either slowly or insurmountably.  And near the end to experience firsthand the intense depths of fear she never knew were possible. 

I am not certain I know how to do this or if I will ever achieve an ability to love every aspect of my birthing process. Or to learn to embrace, to the fullest extent, every birthing wave. But presently, I can see this - that it is in doing the same exact thing with the daily contractions of life (instead of resisting) that I can begin to grow in preparation for the big day! My daily struggles are two main things - becoming very stressed with the minute details raising of my children and the constant, messy, disastrous statue my house seems to always be in. In my mind, I usually attempt to escape, via laziness. Then, when I actually look around me, I find myself shocked that the disorder has become as bad as it is. Sometimes I wonder, in order to keep my house in order, can I never, ever rest? Not even to sit for five minutes out of fear of the growing mess? Must I work my pregnant butt off every minute of every day so that I cannot only please anyone who stops at my door, but I can also still the nagging pest that is none other than my head. (Yes, I know this is unrealistic)

Today, the water is almost off due to a leak. My husband is at work but assures me he will mend it whenever he arrives home. Until then, I am conscious of the kitchen full of dishes and the hampers full of laundry, all needing to be washed! Oh and the children too! Baths somehow fell behind. Whoops. But I am learning this is OK. Simply OK. What matters more here is where is the state of my heart, my mind? And where is it also with my children? And hey, my list for now is shortened right? Right. Tidy up, vacuum and put away already clean laundry and that's about it for the time being. Most importantly, spending time with my kids, making sure they know through and through that mommy loves them and they're my favorite focus! 

So as I learn and grow more and more, beginning today or continuing on the on the birth of this baby - to love every day, to find love hidden in every moment, to expand my gratitude in the monotony, to delight in my children, I will find in these moments what I long to find in the moments of labor and birth.

What better practice grounds, eh, then my daily struggles and stresses?! Couldn't have picked a more adequate opportunity for preparation, honestly. But that's life! It throws at us what we're not exactly wanting. And for this - these preparation grounds - I am thankful! After all, it is not in the easy stretches that we are molded into the greatest versions of ourselves. Yet in the deepest, hardest, most excruciating and unpleasant times that we can emerge grown, shaped and altogether more of who we really are. 

I am not sure exactly how to follow through with this new vision, but realization can be a first step, right? There will be plenty of days and moments I will either want to throw in the towel or call my vision crazy. Moments that life will take control and I might just lose it briefly. There will be days that I may look around and not imagine how my house could be any worse. 

May I constantly look into my heart and also look to the heart of the Father, who has more love for me that I will ever have for myself. I want His heart, His love and His perspective towards my husband, my children, my home and myself to continue to wash over my own. It is through Him, I can again and again find my passion for all of motherhood. 

My house is a great mess, yet here I am, greatly blessed! Because of love.  Pregnancy, labor and birth can be messy as well; but may I grow to love it moment by moment!

By Naloni Bean, mom of almost 3 and birth doula