For most people, a positive test means happiness

Carla • 43 years old, 1 late loss + 4 Mc = 5 years of sadness. Miracle baby May 5, 2018 ❤️
I have just lost my fifth pregnancy. 5 pregnancies in 4 years. When the latest clinic I'd been to congratulated me & paraded me because I'd had a positive blood test, I knew they were wrong. I told them so. "This is my fifth pregnancy," I said. "No celebrations until there's a babe in arms." 
And I was right. Didn't even get to the heartbeat this time. A chemical pregnancy. My RE said he hasn't given up hope on me and that they other immunology tricks up their sleeves. Plus we have 6 frozen embryos left to transfer, all PGS normal. So there's that.
But now, when I see a positive test, there's not even happiness anymore. Just fear, anxiety and dread about what is to come. Because it always ends bad.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I sometimes call myself a baby killer in my head, because my body betrays me so. What keeps me going is that it never works. It never ever works. But it never works, until one day, it does.
I just felt like writing. If you got to here, thank you for reading. And I'm sorry to you if you understood what I wrote.💔