What no one tells you about your first break up.

I am seventeen and I just broke up with my boyfriend, he was my first love, my first kiss, pretty much my first everything except for sex. We dated for over a year. 

I won't drag on with the details of our ending, I'll just say I wasn't being treated the way I knew I should be. I was out of sight out of mind to him and it was awful. So I did was best for me and I ended it. 

Here's the truth, the shit that comes with a heartbreak.

You can love someone with all your heart and know you shouldn't be together. Because even if you love them and their your best friend it doesn't mean their what's best for you. When I was an early teen I never understood why there was heartbreak in a relationship that end for reasons besides moving or maybe cheating. But there is. And it sucks fucking ass. But no matter what you feel if your heart is telling you something is wrong then you shouldn't ignore it. It has nothing to do with if you do or if you don't love them. Sometimes things just don't work out. And that's okay. 

And with this break up you don't get closure, it's so hard to comprehend and accept that this person is gone from your life so quickly. I still want to call him and complain to him about how much not having him in my life hurts me. That everywhere I go all I can think about is past memories we created together. They once made me smile but now they make me feel empty and alone and they break my heart. There's no closure in this just emptiness and all I can do is wait for that you-sized hole in my life to be filled with something else or someone new. 

It also hurts to tell people what happened, because once they hear "we broke up" they instantly think it's okay to say what they really thought about our relationship.

"I knew he wasn't right for you" or "I saw it coming" those words cut through me and taint the memories I'm trying to cling to. I instantly want to defend you and the relationship we had. I don't want to hear the people I care about and trust the most say they don't like you. I don't want to hate you. I don't want to talk bad about you. I just want to stop feeling so haunted. 

You've become all I know. I never thought when we broke up that it would be this hard to come to terms with the reality of it. I picture a boy to kiss, to do anything with. And I instant go back to kissing you, in your room, in your bed. The place I once felt the safest. 

Do you miss me? Are you hurting at all? Or are you fine without me. Because it fucking sucks being without you.