I'm 30 weeks this week and I have some fears. I haven't talked with anyone about how worried I am and why because I honestly don't want to deal with the harsh words and judgments cause I know I am the one to blame. 

I'll start with where I am now. 

I'm clean, living with my mother and have the full support of my family. The baby daddy is very narcissistic, cruel, and stuck on drugs. I do not want to bring my daughter into an environment where she sees me crying everyday cause her daddy doesn't know how to act and is always high. He is not okay with not being apart of my life and hers he thinks I owe it to her to be with him. I would consider this if he actually had shown any want to change and be there better for her. He doesn't though. I want the best life I can give her. 

I have struggled with mental illness and drug addiction for years. I constantly had to be getting high to function. I felt like it was my fix to my social anxiety. It made me talk more it gave me an aid to bridge the gap I felt when trying to connect with people. 

I eventually started dating my baby daddy and things are really a blur. There were highs and many many lows that hit lower than I thought possible. 

He emotionally put me through torture. When I was already struggling with my own self. He knew of my mental illnesses and fed into my addiction. Constantly getting me whatever I needed to feel high. 

I became dependent. I thought I loved him. Looking at it now I know I loved the lifestyle I had an addiction not only to drugs but to the drama! It's terrible. I would provoke some hard situations. I own up to that. He is 7 years older than I am and already has a child with another woman. He has signed over full custody to her. Because he isn't there for him! 

When I first found out I was pregnant he totally put down the option of keeping it. He didn't want it. He took me to get an abortion multiple times and I would back out last minute. This only infuriated him. Caused him to threaten me. I was thousands of miles away from my family had no money for myself and was blinded with drugs. I felt stuck. 

I did so many drugs while pregnant at the beginning (unknown that I was pregnant) I never got morning sickness and was never very focused on my period coming and going. I was to distracted. I just accepted when it would come. Finally I thought maybe something's up and took the test. 

Since then I have stopped drugs. I am off caffeine and am getting help for my mental illness. Also being back home has made all the difference. My ex constantly scares me though. Tells me he will take my baby girl tells me such mean things and it just hurts and gets to me. I know what I did at first was wrong! I think I was strong for leaving and overcoming my addiction and getting help. So many people I know would never do that. I just have to wonder how at risk is my baby girl?

 I love her to death already. She has saved me. I don't think I've stopped thinking about how happy I am that I am going through with having her. I am scared my ex will put me and her through hell. He is so terrible. He's threatened to kill me, has left me stranded with no money thousands of miles from any family and a miracle got me home. I just know once I have her he may get worse and I can't handle it. Also she could be unhealthy cause of my stupid addiction.

 I just needed to finally let this out and I know I may get dislike and disappointment but keeping this in has only made it worse. Am I terrible? Is there still a chance her life will be good? Am I doing the right thing? 😞😞