Do you ever feel...

Stuck... unhappy but yet some how happy? I've been married since 2013. We've had a lot of rough patches. Not far into our marriage I ended up leaving for close to a year...for a divorce. I came back home in 2015. Things were better. ..for a while. He stopped with the adulterous shit. I've been working on forgiveness & it's still so hard to trust. I'm waiting patiently for the day I wake up & I trust him fully. I love him or else I would have gone through with divorce. Fast forward to now: he isn't working due to a back injury. I know the extent of his injury bc I work in MRI & was present at time of scan. Our Dr never said he couldn't continue work. Now I know he can't do his usual line of work which is construction but he could do something... He goes & helps his dad build a deck but can't work to help pay bills. I thank God I have a good job with great benefits or we'd be SOL. I think he's gotten comfortable with me providing literally everything. I work 3rd shift 6 days a week which makes it all just that much harder to be the only one working. I do not like my shift bc all I do is work, sleep, repeat. While he's chilling at home or helping his dad. He can't to fold/wash anything to help me.

I feel guilty for feeling like he's milking it. Although he's quick to reassure me he's not faking it, that he truly hurts. I know he's uncomfortable...but I've seen ppl worse off that work. Hell..one of my techs has a worse off back & missing 3 ribs. He works his ass off for his stay at home wife & kids. My mom would be in fetal position under her desk at work in so much pain...but she still worked bc she had us to support. That's when I got a job...to help my family.

I told hubs the other day..."hey with you out of work if we got pregnant you could be a stay at home dad". I know financially it's never a good time. But that made me feel a little better about him not working...at least I know he'd be helpful in some way...watching our kid. Lol

I feel awful bc I catch myself day dreaming the "what if" of my life so far in my marriage. Would I be happier? Some days I think yes. Please tell me I'm not awful for feeling this way. I really just want to cry. Maybe it's bc my period is like 9 days away & I'm all in my feelings.

Sorry for the rant. 😥😵