Dear Long Lost Love,
Hey... it's been years. I just celebrated my first year of marriage.... I also just threw out your old letters to me. I tossed them in the trash like I didn't care. I didn't want my husband to see them; he would get mad. I remember then, what they said. How awful your handwriting was and how I wished I could still smell you on them. But they stayed in the trash. We saw each other recently, you and I. You left soon and my heart dropped because it never gets an easier watching you walk away. You messaged me apologizing for everything all over again. How many times must you apologize just to hear me tell you I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm married and living out our dream life with some other man who has become a stranger to me. Years have passed and I can still feel your arms around me and see your smile plastered across your face as we laughed together. Life was so easy then, even though it wasn't. I had issues. I didn't love myself. How could I love myself when I gave all of my love to you? My scars were my battle, and you stood by me. You asked me "What would our kids think if they saw you doing this?" And I knew that I couldn't do that to us. You helped me out of the deep dark abyss I was in.
We were a forbidden love. With the support of no one close, was it doomed to end forever or just be postponed. We were doing so good. You were going to go to college for football and I was going to finish school alongside you. But then we had to stop. We had to say goodbye. We exchanged downcast looks in the hallways as you passed by with a new girl who was nothing like me. We were doing good. You went to church and had your grades up. I stayed out of trouble. And then she brought you down. You started doing drugs again, your scars started showing up again, your face was always down. And then along came Her. She picked you up. She helped you. The way you helped me. And then you loved her the way I loved you. You told me, when we saw each other recently, how great it was to have her. How she helped you. And I was happy for you, while my heart ached. She was able to do everything I could not. I am married yet my heart belongs to you. I am pregnant with another mans child yet I feel like it should have been yours. There is never closure, there is only evasive conversation. Because I can not tell you that I love you, and you can not do the same. You offered years ago to try again and I should have taken it. I said no... and I regret it... but I love you. I always have. I never stopped. I probably never will.
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