Closure

I spent four years of my life waiting on a guy. Just when things started, he moved away. Four years ago I entered a "non-exclusive" sort of thing, basically a friendlier, long distance version of bed buddies. I told myself at first that I shouldn't take that step, it would end in nothing but a heart break. I also told myself that he needed a friend, more than anything and tried to be just s friend.

We talked nonstop for eight months straight, morning, noon, and night. I realized after six months that I was falling for him. It took me two more months to actually tell him. All while I struggled with that conversations had gone from friendly to more intimate. When I got up the nerve to say how I felt, I got an answer I didn't want. It crushed me.

Things got confusing when my family invited him back and things heated up. At first I wanted to punch him in the face when I saw him. On and off this continued for four years of us talking, visiting, not talking - in an ever going frustrating circle.

Things finally ended on my birthday. Never in four years did he forget, until this last one. I thought nothing of it at first until I discovered a conversation that sounded like one we had had many times on Facebook. I wasn't betrayed, since we weren't dating, but we talked and let each other know how things were. To be blind sided by an intimate conversation on social media broke something in me, and I felt empty. I had handed over my heart knowing what could happen, but it hurt just the same.

I had known for four years that I was naive and shouldn't have put my heart out there. It kept getting drawn back in with empty promises of moving back, and other things. I ended it as best as someone can of the kind of situation I had found myself in and half created.

I slowly built the courage to put myself back out there. I met my boyfriend, a sweet and funny guy who is kind and caring. He took into consideration my feelings, dealt with me having a panic attack the night before our first date. He is every bit amazing and I fall a little more each day.

I felt guilty, because I was still picking up the pieces of that heart. I didn't feel like I had enough of them to give my boyfriend, but I've given him what I have. I had had no closer, and it bother me, because my boyfriend is a great guy.

Tonight, at a BBQ, that would be ex (since I have no other name for it) had come. We talked amicably, and I tried to distance myself a bit, because I was scared he'd try something, like he always did. When it was brought up about my boyfriend, he said he was happy I found someone. Hearing those words, brought a calmness over me that I didn't know I needed. I felt like I had found those last pieces of that heart, so that I can slowly give them to the man that makes me smile and feel loved every day. That I could finally start saying that I'm falling, in a good way, so that someday I can say three words and not be scared of a rejection. I got closure from a situation that took four years of my life and turned it upside down. I feel light and full all at the same time, and I am excited for all the future steps in my relationship with a man that makes me feel heard and wanted.