Dear no one

Ive been with C for over 2 years now and we're pretty serious. We've known each other for over 3 years and we've been through so much together. We've always tried to be supportive of each other, but there are times where i know he is incredibly toxic and my friends are all worried but i don't know what to do.. C has major family issues, he lives with a mother who is both super micromanaging and neglectful at the same time, dad isnt in the picture, he has like 6 siblings (one is like 40 years old with a son older than C) and talks to maybe 3 of them (one also has cancer). They were homeless in 2013-14 and found section 8 housing but have always had money issues. He had to grow up too fast and he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions. We've made a ton of progress though. He's a slight sociopath (definitely comes out a lot more when he's mad) and he never knew how to properly talk to people or he was just an asshole or something but he's gotten a lot better. Most of my friends don't like him because of how he acts around them and i get it but they don't see the side of him that i do. He is so sweet; i know he loves me and cares about me and he is just a giant nerd and a dork and amazing. But he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions so when he was at school or in a crowded place he got scared and uncomfortable and wasn't himself..

But i know he is toxic because he knows my weaknesses and when he doesn't care, he uses them to his advantage. I have major anxiety and ocd and he knows how to make it better, but he also knows how to make it worse. I am asexual, i was uncomfortable with sex for a super long time but he's a teenage boy and would always keep trying to push it until i either gave in and gave him a hj or got too anxious and almost had to leave a couple of times. If i didnt he would get really quiet and disappointed which tbh just made my anxiety worse so eventually i just went all the way with him. I don't get anxious about it anymore but i really only do it to make him chill out. His friend died recently and he needed a distraction from it and that distraction was my body. I went over to his place a few times that week and almost every time we had sex because he was being persistent and i didn't know how else to help so i just let him.

Last year my friends all kept bugging me to break up with him because of all the sex stuff and other problematic stuff he was doing so i did and he was......bad. Angry and depressed constantly; super sociopathic and suicidal. He still wanted to be friends so he was still around me a ton and tbh wouldn't leave me alone. He would still tell me he loved me constantly or tell me how lost he was without me or he didn't understand why. I thought he was going to kill himself so i think i kind of convinced myself i had feelings for him again and got back together (although he did have a night with my best friend while we were on a break)(speaking of, he almost did it again last month while i was out of the country on a mission trip but my friend told him no).

He is such a sweet guy to me and i love him, he makes me feel safe, but he's just so problematic and he's done so many borderline abusive things and i just don't know what to do. I can't really tell him about it because then he'll get depressed and apologize and say he's a shitty person

I can't talk to anyone about it because no one knows him like i do or if they do they don't know our relationship or me well enough to talk to me about it. Our relationship is just so complicated and no one understands and i highly doubt anyone will actually read this entire thing, let alone comment on it.

This is a shout to the void but honestly its better than keeping it to myself