Lové issues

Ok, I'm 30 and single. I'm scared to have a family, but I had a dream. That I was pregnant, but it felt so real, and I was so in love with the baby in my belly, but I got pregnant by accident (in my dream) and I had a best friend who amazingly sweet, caring and handsome, who was taking care of me even though the baby was not his baby, I moved back home and I saw my dad outside the house saying he was taking care of me, (but he died 2 years ago) then I hear the person who was the actual father of my child telling my father he had to leave me and wasn't able to tell me that in person, then I woke up..

I'm 30 and single, i have to take anxiety pills. I can't keep a friendship or relationship, im emotionally unavailable. I have 3 doctor who are helping me. I just don't want live anymore. I'm such a failure.

I masturbate so I can feel some pleasure, but I feel like shit after I masturbate.