25, Single, Educated, and still a Virgin

In September I will be turning 25, halfway into my twenties and so near my thirties it frightens me. 

I am a writer and a phd student so I am completely swamped and have very little time. I live with my parents because of school and plus my mother has been having surgeries every other semester so someone has to be home to take care of her.

Just last week my high school class was toying with the idea of a 8 year reunion instead of a 10th on FB. That got me thinking, have I changed? Am I someone who has grown in the last almost decade? The answer sadly is no. I look like I'm 12, the glow up hasn't happened for me, my body is a little plumper than before, and I'm still in school, writing, and single. 

 I had one boyfriend my freshman year of high school for one month, not even in February so I could have a valentine for the first time. 

That's my experience with men. A fifteen year old boy for less than 30 days. So you guessed it, knees closed completely. No man. Ever. In September I will be a 25 year old virgin. 

It's not that I'm waiting for marriage or am celibate for a religious reason. I just have never been wanted. How can you have sex with someone if no one has wanted you? I'm no fool in thinking there is a romance novel hero just waiting to ravish me and romance me. But there has to be a right guy. I want sex to mean something, even if I just know him for a week, I want there to be something literally conbustiable between us. Is passion so hard to find? 

I'm not on the prowl, I'm old fashioned, I want to be pursued. I feel very embarrass putting myself out there, mostly because I am curvy and have extra meat on my bones in the ass region. Plus I'm always at school. The boys who hit on me; freshmen. Literally 18-19 year old boys, it's because I'm short, have boobs and an ass, and look like a teenager myself.

I feel no shame for saving myself for a man I am worthy of, my virginity is one of the only true things that truly belong to me, and who I give it to is my choice.

 However I feel left out, friends are getting engaged now, nearly everyone paired off. I could just cry knowing I am alone. I haven't kissed a man in eight years. I haven't been touched by a non male-family member/ gay friend in over eight. No man has even looked at me as a woman. 

I go out, not to clubs or bars, but I have a semi-social life. I'm funny, kind, scarcastic, I take no ones shit, and I take care of myself.  I didn't grow up in a sports family so baseball and football are foreign topics, but I have a black belt in karate, I love tennis, I swim, bike, hike, and enjoy of course reading. I have been to France, Spain, and Greece. I read Latin and Medieval Latin. I'm also learning Danish on my own. I have a life, as small as it sounds, and I enjoy my life. But I wish I had more.

In the next two years I'll be out on my own, graduated with my phd, possibly published in the next year. I'm all set. But I feel so lonely. I wish someone would notice me. Yes I know, I'd have to put muself out there, in this age. But to me I am out there. 

I'm ready for this next phase, but I can't help but think with my track record; it won't happen. I wanted to be married with a baby  by the time I was 27 and I'm so frightened that it won't happen. The future I pictured for myself might never be. I won't have a family, I'll be alone and dependent on romance novels to keep me warm at night. I'll be the only one of my friends perpetually single, and won't get a man until my prime is over and it will be too late. 

I am petrified to think I'll be alone. I'm so jealous of my friends I wish I could choke them for being so happy while I'm miserable. I'm trying, I'm hoping, and I'm dreaming. 

 I'm screaming in the silence of my own mind where no one can hear me. 

Telling you all this anonymously, it's a risk I'm willing to take, because I can't hold it in. Im not looking for pity, "oh you poor virgin!"! I just want someone to understand, to acknowledge me. I feel invisiable sometimes and it just makes putting myself out there harder. 

Edit, I have tried dating apps and they are not for me, the guys I have come I contact with are less then exemplar. Because of my age they are shocked to find out that I am of less experience then most my age. I've never dated, been on one date my whole life when I was fifteen. I also don't drink, I can have a casual glass of wine every now and again but because of a cardiac reason I don't. So why go to bars if I'm limited to one drink? Plus who would I go with, my friends are all in their own lives and relationships. I lecture at a university for my degree and the 'salary' I make from that goes towards my tuition at my actual university, I get enough to buy gas, food, and maybe the train ride to the city for a museum. 

I work out every day, I go for long walks and hike every week. I'm outside as much as possible away from school and home. I'm around people. But no sees me. I'm too self conscious to go to the beach by myself. But if I go with my friends I'm the third wheel, or even the seventh wheel. I'm a scerious woman, I don't like feeling out of place or the center of attention. I know good things come to those who wait, but I'm done. I wish there is a reset button for personal lives and just undo all of it and start over, but that's only wishful thinking. I live in the here and now, but I'm unsatesfied. I didn't mean to chose an academic life over a personal one, and I don't regret it. I just thought I was a late bloomer, but this is not it. Not what I pictured for myself.