I feel like I could book, but I'll try to make a long story short. When I was 19 I was with this guy for a short 4 months before becoming pregnant with my daughter. She was the best thing that happened to me at that time, she made me grow up fast. I was heading down a path that I'm not sure I could turn away from if it wasn't for her. A few months after finding out I was pregnant, he started being passive and controlling. If I would say another mans name besides my father or brothers it really became world war three, to the point it started to get physical. I had the OB doctor tell me if you don't figure out something, you will loose this baby. After hearing that I split, that wasn't easy. Had to everything on my own, doctors appointments, labor and delivery, late nights, shots etc. He has never met her and doesn't care to either, his lose not ours. Two years of battling depression, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and Started drinking taking pills and getting high. I began sleeping with this guy that I thought could become something more but boy was I wrong. In the mix of drinking and getting high I fall pregnant again with my son. He again made me change my life around, I stopped doing everything I was doing. Well in the mean time the guy I was sleeping with, was sleeping with someone else and then started denying that he ever was sleeping with me and my son wasn't his. So now I have 2 children and doing it all on my own again. After having my son and having to deal with DNA testing, his father is somewhat in the picture... when he feels like it anyway. A few years later I start dating this guys, we had our ups and down. We were comfortable, both of us didn't want to be alone that was our problem. After about 2 years we started trying, hoping that would bring us closer. I was so shocked when i became pregnant after the first month trying. After weeks of figuring out that that pregnant wasn't bring us closer, arguing day in and day out. I sadly had a miscarriage at 11.5 weeks. That destroyed us, seeing the heartbeat in a ultrasound a few days earlier. That saying "it'll make ya or brake ya" well it broke us. We tried staying together for a few months after that, became pregnant again. But after trying to be adults we talked about our options. We knew, we were in no state to have another baby. We decided to have an abortion, some people may not agree but at that time. That was and still is the best decision for us. Shortly after that we slit and never saw each other in that way again. Now I'm with my husband. He is truly my knight in shining armor. He treats me like a queen and my children as his own. I don't know how I got so lucky to have him come into our lives. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I love him. He does not have children of his own and how badly I want to give him one. We've been trying now for 4 years and every month nothing. I get so jealous when I hear people become pregnant, I feel like god gave me chances and messed them up. Like I'm being punished... this is what you get! People ask me all the time, when are you going to have another one? I got so sick of them asking, I started telling them I didn't want anymore. But deep down I want one so bad that it hurts. I try to stay positive and think one day, it's getting tuff. I want to just move on but I don't know how to, I want to start living life again carefree but don't know how. Try not to think about wanting a baby, but it's burned in the back of my brain.

Sorry pity party over!