And now I'm that wife...

Why? I'm not quite sure. I don't mean to be that type of wife - it's never my intention at all. 

After having our third child - it seems as if my life went crumbling downwards. I love my children, they are so very dear to me. Yet I don't think that it was in my best interest to have two children who are just a year apart. 18 months and 6 months. I also have an 8 year old! 

I'm a stay at home mother for the last two years because of the rising cost of childcare so it was in our best interests. My husband is our sole provider who works his behind off everyday and never complains. He makes life easier on me by coming home and helping with whatever it may be that I need help with but it just doesn't seem like it's enough for me. That sounds so selfish of me but it's the truth. 

He's out in the world having adult conversation day in and day out and I'm home singing if you're happy and you know it! There's Days where I can't complete any household things and then there are better days where I can accomplish everything. 

I don't leave the house because I'm scared of leaving the house by myself with three children but mainly just the two smaller children. It seems like a complete nightmare to me. I watch all these stay at home moms conquer the world and I don't know how they do it. Maybe it's because they have a stronger willpower then me or maybe they have a bigger support system or other people to go out with or talk to. 

On weekend when my husband is home - he plans so many things. That would be fine but it's always going out to social gatherings - like this weekend for instance we are going to a party at his mothers house. That's a dandy of course if I wasn't the one chasing around all the kiddos while he's out in the field target practicing. I get it. He has to have fun time to outside of work but I feel like I'm always accommodating him to just make him happy. 

He's always telling me he's always trying to make me happy and let me get away and do what I need to do. But I don't feel like going to the grocery store at 8pm when all the children are asleep is letting me do what I need to do. Going to get my nails done for an hour is not what I need to do. My venture out of the house is always short - while his outings are all day events that leave me caring for all the responsibilities. 

I always throw a fit when he plans something and I feel obligated to go because he likes going out as a family. Lately, I have been telling him I don't want to go to whatever he has planned and he says okay. He will take the two oldest children and I will keep the youngest. Sounds like a great deal but then I become outraged. Why? I don't like being left alone because I'm so use to being left alone all week. 

My husband has so much events coming up - weddings that he's attending and weddings that he's officiating. Bacherlor parties he's attending for the weekend... I complain about this everyday - I really don't mean to. I want him to have fun and live life because I feel like one of us needs to. 

He's such a great guy and I'm such a horrible wife and yet he puts up with all of my bitching complaints everyday. Lately, once the kids are down and I grab a shower and head to our room because I know I'm going to start a rant.. and I don't want to. He deserves peace and lately I haven't been able to give that to him. 

He tells me I need to stop thinking so much during the day yet that's all that I do because that is all I have to do. 

Why does this seem like our world is spiraling down fast? He doesn't see it. He thinks everything is fine. I feel so isolated yet he feels as if I'm making a bigger deal than what it should be. 

Guys, I know this is terribly long rant - but kids are napping and my mind starts to wander like it always does. 

Life is just not how it use to be - our relationship is not how it use to be... I only see it and he doesn't... I don't know what that means? 

I tell myself everyday - I will not complain. I will not bitch. I will not nag. I will smile and be happy and support my husbands every want and need. But this is all I do....

I don't know how to be able to balance the kids needs, my needs and his needs. There's never enough time - we both get frustrated because we never have enough time for anything. 

It gets better, right? Or so I hope because I've never been so miserable in my entire life. 

***** GUYS, I really appreciate all the thoughts and advice. It has really helped to know that yes this is horrible to be feeling this way but it's also something that really is important. That I'm.just not the crazy lady ranting because she is totally selfish. It's something that both my husband and I need to work on. At least I have admitted there is an issue instead of hiding it. I never meant to have a post with the intent of downing my partner because that's not the case. He's an awesome father and husband - just we both have a lot that we could work on and me more so then him. Again, thank you guys for lending a virtual ear. *************