I posted this on facebook today. Finally told my story to my "friends" on social media and it was hard to do. But I feel a sense of relief for letting it all out. It is long, but emotional as well. I posted a **trigger warning** for anyone my post could possibly directly effect on my page, but ultimately it's my facebook and I was ready to share my story! The outpour of love and support I received, especially from other mom's with angel babies, was overwhelming!

So here it is:

I know I've made several posts about feeling kicks but I just can't get over the feeling! It makes me so emotional... finally!

*Trigger warning*

Anyone that knows my story knows I've had a hard time connecting to my pregnancy. I've kept a wall up since our loss out of fear. I was never really excited or wanted to talk about being pregnant that much. It made me feel terrible that I was so excited and overjoyed with my first pregnancy, but not this one. I wanted to do nothing but think and talk about this new adventure. I never thought I'd have a child and I couldn't wait for all the milestones to begin!

When I lost that child, I tried so hard to be okay. I made my own excuses so I wouldn't have to hear the sympathy. "Oh I'm okay. At least I didn't hear the heartbeat." "At least I know I can conceive." Anything to make it go away. But no one knew that I would sit on my bathroom floor and cry my eyes out, screaming to God "why!?". I would lay in bed all day, never wanting to see the light. I wrote a poem dedicated to my lost child and the grief I felt that was nothing short of angry. I was only 6 weeks along, but my heart was fully dedicated already.

I thought I was supposed to keep my loss under wraps. That no one was supposed to know... and that made it harder to cope with. I had no outlet. My heart was in shambles. All that joy, the started pregnancy journal, the plans we made, looking up the words to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" just so I could sing to my baby, was washed away when I heard "you likely won't carry this child." I miscarried a week before Christmas, as if the blow wasn't bad enough.

But I just couldn't bring myself to feel the same joy the 2nd time around. I would talk to friends about how little joy I felt and how I felt like a terrible mother already. I even told my doctor that I felt no emotional connection. I didn't cry at my first ultrasound or hearing the heartbeat. My heart wasn't going to explode like it was the first time around. I truly felt numb and this made me feel like an awful person.

But now that I feel him/her in there, my heart has grown three sizes. I still have a constant fear that something will go wrong but i know that will never go away. So I've been taking time to connect to my body and my child. I'll lay in bed for hours at a time just to relish in the movements. It's magical and creepy at the same time! I'm finally feeling the joy associated with being pregnant. I'm finally feeling a sense of relief that I'm not completely closed off to my child. I cry when I feel kicks now. Hell, I'm crying as I write this all out for everyone to see!

No one wants to think about the loss of a child, let alone hear/read about it. No matter how far along that child was, the emotional impact of a loss is devastating! If you've ever felt that pain, you know it never goes away. And you feel like you can't talk about it. That's just not fair! Feeling so alone as I struggled with my miscarriage was the hardest part! Don't feel you need to make excuses to make others feel more comfortable with it. You are not alone! I am still a part of miscarriage groups so I can offer my condolences and heartfelt words to grieving mothers. I will NEVER forget!

My broken heart has been getting mended with every punch to the uterus! 💗

I'm so very blessed with an absolutely amazing man and our rainbow love child.🌈 My heart, and life, is finally full!

It's taken a lot to post my story. I don't feel it needs to be a secret anymore. My first child was to be due this month, so that's why I decided to share. We would have welcomed our child into the world this month... but we're blessed enough to have another chance. I miscarried in December, and my first child will be due in December. Life is funny that way...