Every time I feel you kick

This pregnancy has been a whirlwind. Hearing things no pregnant person wants to hear. Severe IUGR. Survival stats: 30% chance. Hospitalized bedrest. Abnormal. Abnormal bloodflow. Possible cerebral palsy: 90% chance. Single umbilical artery. Too small. Under 10%. Placental lakes. Placental insufficiency. Premature birth. Decelerations.

And knowing non of this pregnancy is normal anymore. No baby showers. No big belly. No maternity pictures. Not a lot of excitement anymore. Making lots of decisions for your baby no parent should have to make. No fun ultrasound pictures. Lots of tests.

And having to face the reality that the birth story you pictured in your head is different. No excited family in the waiting room. No holding the baby right after its born. No excitement over the weight (just worry). More worry than excitement. Probable c section, possible true emergency c section at any moment. No waiting until full term. No set date of delivery. No cute clothes for baby to wear right away. No being discharged with baby. No breastfeeding right away (pumping only). Possibly no crying or breathing right away without assistance.

And facing the nicu. No taking baby home for awhile. Having to ask permission to care for your baby. Having to leave your baby in the hands of someone else (who are great and amazing, just not you). Knowing this is the place baby needs to be. Hearing the beeps. Seeing the wires. And constantly hearing from others "at least you can sleep, my newborn wakes me up!" Or "you don't understand how tired I am because of my newborn." And knowing they are wrong, and it just hurts. All the worrying that will soon be, once my baby is in the nicu after birth.

But it all fades away for a second... every time I feel you kick. And I know I would go through all of this again and again for you. Every time I feel you kick, I know I am the lucky one. My love for you never ends. And while I'd trade everything to have to be in your shoes and fight your fight, I'm blessed with watching this miracle, that is you, unfold. And I fight with you, my son.