I never thought I'd get over James. I loved him for years, despite distances and challenges. I was afraid I'd live my life loving someone I could never have, being alone and sad.

But then you came along.

I liked you from the beginning. Not in a romantic way at first, just where I liked you as a person. I used to laugh whenever Julianne yelled at you in math class and would laugh even more when she glared at me. I used to follow along with your tangents (boy your ADHD is BAD!) while the rest of the group got angry at you for getting distracted. Then you, me, and Mig had a study session together, but instead of doing math, we just talked for hours. I knew then that even we'd met by being placed in the same math group, you two would turn out to be lasting friends.

And I was right. Even after math class, we still hung out. We kept talking about everything and annoying the absolute crap out of Mig. Sarah would join then too, mostly because I wanted to help her in meeting guy friend, partially because she was wondering who the hell these guys were that I spent so much time with and talked so much about. You scared her, but she wasn't blind; she knew something was happening with us. Mig knew too, because when we were studying for a different class that we all had, he kept cracking jokes when you sat on my lap and then annoyed Sarah and he's say "Ooo, Elizabeth's getting jealous over there!"

Then we hung out just the two of us. We went to lay out under the stars one night, and it quickly changed from talking and stargazing to making out and touching. Up until that point I'd always been very nervous about physical affection, even though it was something I enjoyed, just because of my past. The last we'd gotten drunk together I'd admitted about my past, so you knew, and you were understanding when I had a PTSD attack and grounded me and talked me out of it. I was embarrassed, but you just.... understood. You said we'd take it slow, and BOOM, that's when I fell head over heels.

We talked all summer, FaceTimed, texted... you name it, we did it. I felt so much more confident and open, and we made so many memories. But we were both working and timing was hard, so eventually we lost contact. That was a hard month for me; I'd drank in the past, of course, but never like I did that August. I drank and had sex with too many people, people I don't even remember.

I thought you weren't coming back to school, but you surprised me. I was so freaking happy.... but then Sarah spilled the truth; you had a girlfriend. I was crushed. All summer we'd been messing around, but in the one month we'd lost contact, you'd gotten back with your ex?

I was angry, and at first I pretended I wasn't. But you caught on, and then I couldn't keep it in anymore. And you were understanding, like you always are. So even though you had a girlfriend, I was still in love with you.

I'm not exactly proud of what happened next. I'm not really sure how it happened tbh; one night we were alone at night walking around campus, and we sat down near the place where we'd gotten intimate for the first time and you told me you cared about me too much too, you just didn't know what to do. That was a slippery slope into something I'd never thought I'd do, especially after what happened with Harrison.

I became the girl you cheated on your girlfriend with. And even though in the beginning I knew it was wrong, I still did it. Because I fucking liked it.

I confessed that messing with you while the other girl was in the picture made me feel like a bad person. You said it made you feel like a bad person too, but you could never be a bad person to me. I tried to show you how good I thought you were, all the while I was falling deeper and deeper into an eating disorder that I wouldn't even admit.

Finally, I left for spring break and didn't come back. I'd told everyone before I left, but I was angry at myself that it blinded me. You weren't able to say goodbye when I came back to pack my stuff, and that's when I sent you a long, nasty text. I can't even remember what all it said, but I know it was awfully rude and I'm so, so sorry.

You told me you had loved me then, even when I was starving, bitchy, and irritable 24/7, and you love me now, even though I've had to be gone for another semester. I was afraid after that horrible message that you wouldn't want to talk to me, you have been so supportive and caring and just like old times.

I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. It feels so good to be able to say that and know that you feel the same, even when my mental illnesses try to convince me otherwise, even when my parents try to convince me to never speak to you again.

I've loved you since freshman year, almost 3 years now, and I am so thankful for every part of you.