Lately I've been smoking a lot of weed and I know I need to stop but when I'm not high everything freaks me out and my anxiety is tenfold and god I'm going back to school in a week and I can't be stoned all the time... but I also want to so badly... and if my parents found out, i would feel awful, not because they'd be mad but because they would know I betrayed their trust. I would have disappointed them. I just feel so lost and friendless and weed helps me take a deep breath and relax but I'm letting myself get addicted and I DON'T want to spend all my money or lose everything or be dependent on any drugs...

and when I'm high I text other guys, I'm in a committed relationship but when I'm high I lose myself I guess. It's made me realize that maybe I'm not as happy as I thought I was, And my boyfriend doesn't make me feel the way I want to feel.

Ugh. I needed to get this out somehow. I wish I had better self control.