*TOO GRAPHIC PICTURES*

I confirmed my pregnancy on Dec 5th, 2016. I was far from my husband since I'm in the Army doing some drills back in my hometown since I'm National Guard, but my husband and I were thrilled about it and since day zero I've been saying and talking to my husband that I was going to do even the impossible to bring my baby to the world naturally. Came back home and planned it all. All the pregnancy was physically perfect. All my test results were right, gained weight right (for my doctor), I did hard exercise at least 2 times in the week and the rest walked like crazy. My pressure was perfect, baby's heartbeats sound and clear, ultrasounds good, everything was on the right track. My due date was August 9th, 2017, that day my dr wanted to see if we could deliver the baby that day since everything was going well and baby was measuring good and I was at least one fingertip dilated. I was scared because the whole pregnancy I didn't felt contractions or significant pain, just a little cramps close to the date. I'm always a happy person and I can make jokes even when I'm sad just to see the bright side on things.

Went to L&D; to see if we can start with the pit. I was making jokes with every nurse. I knew I was going to be there for long, they were going to see my all so I better start feeling myself and trust them. My mind was focused on the fact that we will push the baby out, but when they took my pressure it was a little high and the doctor didn't like that. I felt well and I was trying to stay calm and started to pray in my head and begging to God to not allow the thing I didn't want. I heal bad, keloid and I was trying and doing the impossible to avoid a big scar like that. I didn't notice that 2 hours passed and I was still with the pressure high, on that moment I was already mad and frustrated, because the dr already mentioned the c-section a thousand times until she said "I'm going to call the personnel because we need the baby out because your pressure can kill her". They gave me something for the pressure and headed myself to the OR. I already cried and told to my husband so many times that I didn't want it, that I was frustrated and that I was scared. When they took me to the OR and the dr put me the anesthesia (that thing hurt like they were braking my hips) I started to cry like they were killing me. My husband came in and I couldn't stop telling him that "I can't do it, I'm scared, I don't want to be here, I failed, etc". I felt when they were moving me and that was the thing that scared me more. I heard the baby crying 3 times and after that I didn't remember a thing until they moved me to recovery. Don't remember seeing my baby, just the moment my husband left and that's it. When my body started to wake up, the pain was unbelievable, I wanted to cry but I hold it. When they "massaged me" felt like they were killing me again. When finally they took me to a room where I saw my husband and they showed me pictures of my baby and was in a relief she was healthy and beautiful.

Knowing that the baby was ok it was a relief but I felt (most of the time I still feel, won't deny it) like I failed. Worked so hard to avoid it, did more than I should, they told me that the baby has the umbilical cord in her neck and it was really short so at the end I was going to need the c-section or my baby could die, but still I did so much and many people who don't do anything, their whole pregnancy were high risk, high pressure, not healthy, or they don't do anything to have a vaginal birth and they simply have the birth I wanted so bad. I see my baby girl and thank God because she is healthy but I failed my body and sometimes it's hard not to cry because I'm scared that my own body betray me and heals bad.

I needed to take this out of my chest, write it down and share my story!

*** UPDATE ***

Thanks to all that said kind words, they mean all to me. This moment I'm trying to adapt that I have a baby who depends on me so I haven't had the opportunity to write each one. Don't get me wrong when I said I feel like I failed because of the c-section, it's because I didn't wanted to, but at the end having my baby and knowing she's healthy it's what matters but lets be honest, we're humans we have feelings and from time to time when I see my c-section or feel pain in the area makes me to remember that moment when everything happened so fast and everything hurts, that's including my feelings, so for me to try to ease the pain I wanted to share it here. I respect all of your comments and thank you again because you took the time to read it! Also, I'm happy my baby is healthy and growing right, even when I don't sleep so much I try my best. Thank you, thank you, thank you!