I've been a mother for 10 days now, and already its nothing like I imagined. Parts of it are more beautiful and amazing than I could have ever dreamed - like when my daughter looks at me as if I'm her whole world or when she hears my voice and searches for me. Other parts are just so hard and overwhelming. I've had a rough time with my physical recovery, which I was prepared for but I was not prepared for the mental and emotional toll this would take. I'm an emotional mess. I read all the articles and listened to all the mommies tell me how hard it was, but like most moms-to-be I couldn't imagine feeling anything but happiness that the little baby I prayed so long for was finally here. I was wrong. I am thankful for her, she's the greatest thing I've ever done and my heart swells with love when she's in my arms. I am thankful I have no hard feelings towards my baby or her father but I am so hard on myself. I had so many expectations for the mommy I would be so any time I CAN'T do what I expected of myself I beat myself up. Breastfeeding is hard. Pumping is hard. Watching your little baby cry and not being able to take it away is hard. Losing sleep is hard. Being a mother is HARD. She doesn't care if I sometimes have to give her formula, but I do. She doesn't care that the house is a mess, but I do. She is happy, but I struggle to be so happy when I feel like I'm not giving her what she deserves - which is the best. I wish I would have never put so much pressure on myself. Sometimes I have to go cry in the shower and pray for God to help me. The past 10 days have been the hardest of my life, truly. But the past 10 days have also taught me a love I never knew was possible. It's a love that has made all of this worthwhile.