One thing I've wanted more than anything in the world is to become a mommy. Little girls usually dream of their wedding day, I dreamt of becoming a mother, I dreamt of raising a beautiful family. When I dated, one of the first questions I asked was 'do you want kids?'. When I married, I couldn't wait to become pregnant. I was one of the extremely lucky ones to get pregnant on the first "try".. Fast forward to the day I had him. I was 41w2d along. When they placed him on my chest, I felt a connection with him, but not the one I've always dreamt about. He didn't feel like he was 'mine', so to speak. Yes I loved him, but I wasn't overjoyed like how I thought I should've been. I breastfed, another thing I thought would come naturally, which didn't. Each nurse I talked to, told me a different way to latch him. I was so overwhelmed and confused. I asked for the lactation nurse to come and talk to me, which she did, 24 hours after I had him. By that time I was so exhausted. My husband was a huge supporter and helped me as much as he could, but he didn't know a single thing either. Every time Logan was hungry, I would cry because I knew how much pain I was about to endure. My nipples were cracked, bloody, and bruised. But I forced myself to latch him because I wanted that bond since I didn't feel connected with him. The first couple weeks were hell. I was producing so much milk, he was gaining so much weight, but I was just in so much pain. I was on the bridge to give up, but didn't. I'm so thankful for the girls who helped me along with my breastfeeding journey. As weeks passed, it got easier, but it was still nothing like how I pictured. Becoming a mother and breastfeeding, both I thought came 'naturally', didn't. I was so set back. I didn't talk about how I was feeling because I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I felt like a failure of a mother because I thought becoming one was supposed to be the happiest moment of my life. It was the one thing I wanted more than anything. As days, weeks, and months passed, it got better. I should have talked, I should have explained to someone how I felt. Because it was NORMAL. PPD is so common, but the percentage is so low, because I think a lot women, like myself, don't want to talk about it. We think that the bond, breastfeeding, everything, should come naturally. We have that motherly instinct, right? We ask ourselves, what are we doing wrong? We see mothers and their babies have a special and amazing bond and ask ourselves, why can't that be me? Talk to somebody, your significant other, your mom, doctor, mother in law, a group on faceback, SOMEONE. Explain to them how you're feeling. A little goes a long way.

A year later, I'm still breastfeeding my son. We are closer than ever and I have an incredible bond with him. I never did talk to anybody because I was ashamed, but now that I know and I look back, I would if I could turn back time. So if you're reading this, and you're wondering why things aren't like how you imagined, IT'S OKAY! Talk to someone. It will get better. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will. ❤️