I had a hard natural birth where my rights and ability to make my own decisions were taken from me, and I'm writing this to put it out there and look back for myself. It's long and I totally understand if people don't want to read it, but if you do I ask that you refrain from mean comments as this is my way of trying to process what happened.

I am a FTM who went from 0 dilation, no mucus plug loss, no contractions, to my water breaking and birthing my baby boy 12 hrs later.

At 6 am on 24 Aug I woke up to an audible pop and my water breaking in a large gush that continued throughout the day. I crawled back into bed and told my husband, then napped until labour began around 9. We laboured at home listening to music and enjoying each other until about 230 when out of nowhere my contractions began coming almost one after the other.

At 230 we moved to our hospital. It is under renovation and despite having done a tour earlier, we got lost on the way in. My contractions were on top of each other and we were very lucky that several people including visitors for other people came to help us.

We got to our room and to my dismay the nurse checked me and said I was only at a 2. My contractions were still on top of each other and strong enough that I couldn't stand or talk through them, and they were making me vomit. They allowed me to stay so I wouldn't have to travel like that.

My plan was to have the most natural birth as possible so for the next 4 hours they left me to my own devices. They monitored baby only periodically, brought me food though I couldn't eat it, allowed me to labour without cervical checks, etc. Throughout these four hours my contractions remained unbearable and were on top of each other for all but a 30 minute period. At 630 I broke and asked for the gas, which helped me get through the next hour and a half. At 730 I broke and asked (screamed) for an epidural. Just prior our nurse checked me to see where I was, and hallelujah I was ready to push, so I didn't wind up getting the epidural which I so wanted to avoid.

At this point my OB came in. Even though he'd assured me I could birth in any position in his office, and there were no complications, he forced the nursing staff to flip me to the lithotomy position against my will. I told him it was not the right position between pushes but was too exhausted to fight it. I could feel that I was working against what my body needed and it was heartbreaking. My doctor also began putting his hands inside me. I told him each time that he did not have my consent to do that unless there was a medical reason, and he said there wasn't he was just curious.

I pushed for an hour and a half before my baby was born, and the entire time my OB made rude comments about my pushing and my birth plan, even though we'd discussed my birth plan in depth before and he'd been fine with everything. At 2054 my baby was born!

My doctor began to pull on my placenta and I asked if there was a reason. He said to hurry things along. I told him to stop and he did. I started to having contractions right away and delivering my placenta. Again he grabbed the cord and pulled, although I had told him he did not have my consent to do that. I felt it rip out of me and there was a massive spray of blood across the room. Nurses began running in and tending to me as my doctor stood back and gave orders. My baby had to be taken from me almost immediately after I got him so that they could stop my bleeding. I am very greatful for the care I received.

I lost a significant amount of blood and had to do an extended hospital stay. I had gotten a virus the week before I went into labour and my weakened body wound up going into labour before my son was in position. This is why my labour was so intense throughout. Because of his position and the fact I was forced to give birth in lithotomy, I have third degree tearing that required extensive stitching. I lost so much blood that I couldn't walk for a while and my milk supply has been very slow to come in. I chose to have a natural birth and dealt with so much pain to try and give my son what I thought was the best start to life, and I feel that for his own convenience my OB took that from me. Every aspect of moving on has been so difficult so far. I did not get to have my immediate bonding experience with my baby, and it didn't have to be this way.

The bright side is obviously that my baby is here, he is healthy, I love him, and I know that I tried my hardest to do right by him. I hope to use this experience positively, and have asked to start working with my doula on a voluntary basis to help advocate for women during birth. I have a long road to recovery and I hope I can help someone else from suffering unnecessarily in the future.