(apology: this is long) i fell for my best friend. he admitted feelings for me in january, and even though i had felt the chemistry between us, i turned him down because was in a relationship with someone else. that relationship fell apart by march, and through the next few months, my best friend and i talked every day. we flirted and we had good conversations and we finally kissed in the middle of june. for the next few weeks, we spent the night together multiple times, kissing, hand/oral stuff, cudddling, giggling, talking. we both agreed we didn't want to start a relationship during the summer (we go to college together and i was living at home and hour away). it was kind of an assumed agreement that we would date in the fall. our friends knew. we talked about spending the night at his new apartment. in july, something changed. he called me and apologized and said he still liked me but wasnt ready to start a relationship. i think he was going through something with his family and dealing with planning for after graduation. i told him i completely understood and i appreciated him telling me instead of stringing me along. he said he was relieved i wasnt mad bc our friendship was important to him. over the next week, he stopped replying to my texts, so i gave him some space. flash forward two months, and we havent spoken since. i see him around campus and in some classes, but we literally don't even say hi anymore. sorry for my language, but i'm so fucking upset about losing him. i still have feelings for him, but mostly i'm grieving the loss of my best pal. and i just don't understand the leap from "i want us to be friends" to avoiding eye contact. he's pushed away our other friends too, and i think he's dealing with something shitty, but because we almost dated i dont feel like i can approach him to offer support. im not sure if we'll ever be friends again, but in the meantime my chest hurts all the time. it consumes my thoughts and i find myself crying about it a lot. im upset that our romance didnt end up how i wanted, but i'm 20x more upset that i've lost my pal. and i need help figuring out how to function and get over this because it's been two months and im still losing sleep over it.