The NO baby..

As I write this, I don't expect a lot of sympathy or even understanding from women. Pregnancy loss is something SO many of us go through it's almost a norm. Although, as you know, it is NOT normal, it sucks, it hurts, you literally see a pampers commercial and change the channel.

Here is my story of the "NO" baby.

At 22 many women are married, moms, graduated & buying matching rugs. Not me, okay yes I love TJ Maxx and their rugs, but I decorated my apartment, & that was the end. I was in nursing school, living with my boyfriend & trying to pay off that 18 year old Victoria secret credit card that slipped up into the $1000 mark. I had been on Depo Provera Shot (BC) for about 3 years. I HATED periods, with a passion. So the Depo wasn't just to save me from making that million dollar mistake, it was to make my dreaded monthly mistress not come back. Everything was working out just as planned, I started nursing school, I moved in with my one true love & I made the deans list! Life was grand! Until I was 21, paying my own way & government doesn't help college kids that was to better themselves! So I got private insurance & life went back to being grand. Insurance is tricky & for some reason wouldn't cover my Depo shot, so I missed it May 2017. Which honestly was not a huge deal because I had been off of it for longer before & never gotten pregnant! Now I'm sure, just like me, everyone has had their "oh shit I might be pregnant" moments and negative nancy comes around quickly! I know I have, so for me pregnancy was last on my mind. I had been scared so many times before I was just over thinking! Well my period came June 2017, short sweet & painless! July went by so fast I didn't even realize I missed my period, then came august.. & the nausea.. & the HEARTBURN.. & the diarrhea. I was SO sure I had stomach ulcers & the kids I nannied kept giving me the stomach bug! Then.. my hubby said, are you pregnant? I said hell no, there's no way! So we went to food lion for groceries, ended up in the "feminine" aisle buying the clearblue 2 for 1, with $3 off this purchase, cause I WAS NOT pregnant so obviously I didn't want to waste $10 on nothing. HA! I bet God was laughing so hard about that! Well less than an hour later I got my pee on the stick & 10 seconds said "I told you it was negative" .... 15 seconds... "NO NO NO NO NO". My hubby ran in face red, eyes glistening & said "it's gonna be ok, we're fine, it's gonna be ok" --okay I know this next part you are all going to say "you BITCH!" But remember I WAS planning my life out!---

"NO! dalton it is NOT ok! Omg we are buying a house, I am in school, my car is not a mom car, get off of me no this isn't happening no no no!" Literally pushed him away. --uhh I wish I could lie and say we hugged and cried and everything was happy-- The next day I was SO SICK, like I hit a brick wall and threw up 10 times. Dalton came home from work because I was "dying" (I'm a horrible sick person) & he said "I know your nervous & didn't plan this, but I am kind of excited." I know melt me, I'm so mean. So once my hubby said that I changed, I wanted this baby. & I wanted it now!

Well we figured out I was 6 weeks give or take, got the ultra sound saw the heart beat & started planning for our new adventure! We went to the beach for family vacation the next week & all went well until about half way in. I was bent over in pain from constipation cramps. Oh it was awful, throwing up because I was so sick. Or so I thought. We went back to the doctor at 10 weeks, we were so excited & we're going to pick out a crib after the doctor appointment.

That's when it happened, my dreams, my sleepless nights, my zulily maternity orders, my hubbys hand on my belly, my perfect baby names... they all went away. They were balled up and sucked away just like my baby. I will never forget how big my placenta was on that screen, how little and balled up my baby was in the corner of my big black placenta.

I can't explain the feeling I had with the ultra sound in my vagina, I couldn't just push the doctor away, I couldn't just roll over or do anything. I just sat there. I said "what's next" as my body grew cold on the inside and numb on the outside. I wasn't even there, I was watching myself lose my baby that I didn't even want. In less than 10 seconds my heart, the most important organ in your living body, was damaged without repair & a piece of me was gone. I didn't cry for the first 20 minutes. I just wanted to leave. The doctor handed me the tissue box and I said no I'm fine. What do we do now. "Well since the baby died at 7 weeks, we have two options, medicine to naturally miscarry, or a D&C;"

I had never even heard of a D&C; but I knew that I wanted the baby out, I wanted this over with I wanted it done NOW. But the D&C; wouldn't do that for me. Nothing would. This baby was apart of me. Forever.

I still look back on that day. The day I said no to the miracle God gave me, the day I pushed my best friend off of me because I was so mad that I did t plan it. Well now, I'm mad because I didn't get to keep my baby. No matter where I am, no matter who I'm with, or what I'm doing. It haunts me. The no. The ungratefulness. The no.

The no baby is all I want. All I yearn for is that yes on a pregnancy test. That yes to the heartbeat. And all I said was no.

I will forever be at a loss for words when someone says "I'm sorry" or "I went through it to" because to be honest, I'm sorry, and I shouldn't have said no. I see the daily struggle of all of these beautiful women who would've paid millions to have that positive BLUE lines pregnancy test.

I truly believe God has my no baby, & one day I will be able to hold him in my arms & tell him you have no idea how much mommy & daddy wanted you. I love my no baby more now than I ever could have.

"The dark is much darker once the light is shown."