Giving birth......

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I'm not afraid of giving birth it's a natural process and women have been giving birth for thousands of years yes there are risk there is that tiny tiny tiny chance that there are complications and that I could die but I'm not worried about that if you ask me that's a pretty hard core way to die, I know that labour is going to hurt I know that if I have a natural birth I could tear from hole to hole, I'm not worried about that, I know that if I have a c section that it is major surgery and they will cut me open and I'll have to have stitches and it'll hurt for days and weeks after, but I'm not afraid about that in fact I couldn't care less If i have a natural birth or a c section I wouldn't care if they had to cut me open while I had no pain medication, all I want is to give birth to a healthy baby a baby which the doctors think are going to thrive and live a long long life and yet that isn't going to happen, I'm scared that I am going to go through labour that I'm going to go through all the pain and that my beautiful little girl isn't going to make it through the birth, I'm scared that my darling little girl who hasn't even had her first breath yet will never get to, I worry that because she had an abdominal hernia and a syndrome that the doctors won't want to help her, I'm scared that I'll give birth to my baby but I'll never get to take her home alive that the room that me and my fiance have prepared for her will stay empty, that there will be no baby to rock to sleep or to kiss goodnight and that the only reminder that she was even here will be an empty room and my pain from giving birth the pain of recovering from a c section or a natural birth, that my books will be leaking liquid gold and I'll have no baby to give that too. I see people complaining about their pregnancy that there feet,back,legs and everything hurt that they are tired of being pregnant and it makes me sad because they have healthy babies their babies and are going to get tog go home with them when they leave the hospital, I wouldn't care if I was in pain 24-7 or if I was throwing up all the time or that my feet where the size of balloons I would welcome anything if it meant that I was going to have a healthy baby to take that baby home, but that doesn't look very likely for me because although we won't know until she is born but she will most likely be put onto palative care if she survives birth. This little human who is healthy while inside of me is growing while she is inside of me, moving around and kicking, and who I love so much I would give anything and everything for her most likely won't get to make it out of the hospital won't get to come home to stay with her mummy and daddy and won't get to live her life. I'm not scared of giving birth I'm scared absolutely terrified of what is going to happen the moment she is born, the moment I can no longer protect her.