don't know how to really start what I'm sharing but... I'm throwing out my old pregnancy test. the one from when my husband and i were only 10 months dating. the ones that made me feel like my world was crashing down on me. the ones that made question if i even knew who i was anymore. the ones i kept onto for no reason except i couldn't throw them out. we probably wouldn't have survived our relationship raising a baby together so early. growing up my parents and i always discussed my choice would be adoption if i got pregnant and didn't want the baby. im adopted so it seemed to make sense until it actually happened to me. i wasn't on birth control because before i met him i wasn't sleeping around. we used condoms in the beginning. but it turned out we got a big surprise. and luckily i realized immediately and took a pill, i convinced myself it was like Plan B "extra"... anyway, i had problems forgiving myself but i do believe in a woman's right to choose and eventually became ok with it... but never let those tests go... ... ... ... ... ... now 9 years later on my husband's birthday and with 5 cycles of disappoint, i need to let go and make room for a new set of positive pregnancy tests. i can't wait to cry tears of joy and to tell my husband the good news as opposed to when i showed him these tests when he was in school and we didn't really know each other and he was scared what his future would hold. ... ... ... ... I'm fertile this week, i hope this can be his birthday present to conceive on his birthday. i believe in science, throwing this out won't magically get me pregnant, im not being punished for ending the last pregnancy but maybe taking the step to let go will somehow benefit my mind.