Letting go of the guilt and shame of not Breast feeding

This post is more of an open letter since it's been such an emotional roller coaster. I'm a mother of three where my first two girls are now beautiful teenagers. Both were formula fed bc I didn't have enough milk. My husband and I decided to have another baby regardless of the the 13 year age gap from my youngest daughter. This time around I was determined to breast feed my son. I was convinced I just gave up too early with my other two. I did all the research, got plenty advice from family/friends, bought one of the most expensive breast pumps, bought lactation tea and even had fresh baked booby cookies.

My son Noah was born 5 weeks ago. I breast fed him right away, he was fussy in the hospital where both the nurse and lactation specialist tried to convince me he wasn't hungry and that my colostrum was enough. I went home and the situation wasn't any better. I nursed around the clock. At Noah's first dr's appt he had lost almost 10% of his birth weight. I was instructed to nurse, pump and supplement. Literally all I did was nurse and pump around the clock where it got to a point Noah's dr told me that most likely I wouldn't produce enough breast milk. I remember crying the entire way home and felt like such a failure. I was just sad. Even the I still rented a hospital grade pump as one last effort. However my milk supply never in tears. Noah was 95% formula fed. I just wanted to nurse him.

I was just sad. Ever article was about the benefits of breast feeding, the warnings of supplementing and of course the well intended advice of others on what I should and shouldn't be doing. It was enough to drive you mad. Finally my mom said I was Noah's mom and know what's best. It's no one else's business how I feed him. She was right. What made it so hard was the guilt and the perceived shame I would feel from other. It's like the have and have nots. There are so much info about breast feeding but not a lot about formula or why some women don't produce enough milk and it's ok. Trust me I combed the internet. It's telling when even on some of these forums a mom asking for advice on bottle feeding she had to preface it with "please no judgement".

I'm sure some might view giving our babies formula is taking the easy way out. It's far from it. Yes it can be more convenient since others can feed the baby but there's added cost, getting the right bottles, issues with gas, or trying to calm a hungry baby when the bottle is warming up. We have mastered the one arm rocking, while trying to prepare, warm and test the temp of the milk in a dimly lit kitchen to not over stimulate baby at 3 am so baby can go back to sleep after he eats.

The articles, resources, support groups for breastfeeding are great for encouraging moms to breast feed. I get it. They were helpful for me as well but at the same I wished there was more support for moms when it doesn't work out for any reason. What I didn't realize was the torture wasn't over when I decided to throw in the towel. When my milk dried up and my nipples hurt during his feeding times it was a reminder of my failure. Every time I second guessed my decision and thought "am I too late? Maybe I should just continue nursing? Some breast milk is better than none right?" Again I was making myself crazy until I realized it wasn't about me. It was about my wonderful baby boy. He was now thriving and couldn't be more perfect. Feeding him was only one aspect of being a good mom. I cherished each time I'm able to bond with him and know I'll do what's best.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Now I have to deal with my abused nipples and flap jack breast :)