Abuse... shame?

Krysten • Wife, stepmom, aunty extraordinaire, Medical Assistant, makeup addict, I'm nerdy and I like it.

Okay so my ex husband was an emotionally and mentally abusive prick... I thank God that I was physically abused but I now have anxiety. I have panic attacks about really stupid stuff and I know of they are stupid but my body apparently doesn't get the memo. Here's the thing when I was married to him I don't see the abuse, I tried my best to be a dutiful wife. But as it would happen my best friend at the time was in a very dangerous relationship. I know the signs of an abusive relationship or an abusive person, I've helped many people, kids and what not that where in abusive situations. so when my friend boyfriend was doing these things it raised a super big red flag and I told her she needed to get out before it got physical... she was even afraid to call him, he was already stalking her at home... so knowing all of this sometimes I wonder how the heck I missed the same signs in my marriage. I have so much same that I let this happen to me that I never saw til the left me. If he ever hit me I would have left told him that before we ever got marri. I just was not really prepared for the typehe did to me. I even have to look up verbal and emotional abuse to remind myself that I'm not being unreasonable, to verify with myself that I'm not making more of it than it is. I can feel so shameful about all of it I'm happy I got out that it never got worse I know many out there that have gotten it alot worse than me including a good friend of mine. and you hear alot about how women survive and rebuild there lives but they don't tell you about the shame of letting it all happen to you when you know better, you know how to prevent it. and still it happened I'm glad that I have found a man that understands and has been so patient with me waiting for me to open the door cause let's face it you will always have that damn wall up but only he can truely have access to me through my door. he's handled my panic attacks with flying colors even though he once told me to just calm down which I replied that was like asking me not to breath. And I can't wait marry him this coming March. This post is really just to let anyone who has gone through this that your not crazy you are not alone and to just keep reminding yourself that it's not your fault and it's OK to feel that but know your normal, for feeling it.