This is really hard for me to write, and I know some of you may think I'm pathetic for this but I just need a place to vent. This will be long....

You got me pregnant shortly after we got together. I was only 18 (now 19) and so naive. You promised me so many things. You told me you would always be there for me and our son, and that you'd never hurt us. You promised to be there for me when I felt sick. Except you never did, you're the one who made me sick. I had hypermesis very early on that lasted my entire pregnancy, severe migraines, cholestasis, and pots disease. I was having such a hard time. But instead of comforting me during my hospital stays, or spending time with me, you'd play Xbox instead. You'd get mad at me if I ever dared to tell you to get off, even though you've been playing for hours. I'd get called a bitch, pushed, and ignored. I had bleeding at 20 something weeks and instead of taking me to the hospital you told me I was a bitch and went back to sleep, instead of even trying to help. You didn't feel our sons first kicks, you didn't care about what size he was now, or preparing for his birth. You said it isn't exciting for you. I was so depressed. You had me cut off all of my friends, you found a problem with everyone and I believed you. We argued all the time. You'd scream at me in the car, and you'd speed when you were mad. At one point, you ran a red light and I asked you to pay attention and you got mad at me and you kicked me out of the car at 6 months pregnant. My phone was dead, it was 20 degrees outside and raining. I remember because I was freezing. I cried every night telling my son i love him and I want him to have a better life then what he would have with you around. I eventually got preeclampsia, I had to be induced at 35 weeks. No one knows the cause, but I have a strong feeling it was the stress I was under. When our son was born at only 4 pounds, you left me and him alone so you could meet up with a friend while he was in an incubator, and me crying my eyes out. You invited all of your family in the room while i was in pain against my wishes, and they all watched me cry under the covers, hooked up to a catheter and magnesium still. I hadn't ate in 3 days, I hadn't showered in 3, and I hadn't slept. Things only got worse from here. At about 2 months old, you left me and your son. You told me you never loved me, that you didn't care about me, and you left. You told me you loved me a few days later, said we could try, and left again and again and again. You'd stay for a few days, have sex with me, then leave me and say you felt bad for me, that's the only reason you came back. A month later you came back for good. Things weren't great but they improved. You'd still get mad at me if I dared to ask you to help with our son while you play xbox. You never went to his appointments, not even his physical therapy he goes to. You'd leave our son in a swing for hours even if he cried just so you could play. You didn't talk to me, you never made eye contact with me. But you got mad at me for doubting your love for me. I felt so alone. I never got to go out, so I asked you to watch movies with me and cuddle and you acted like that was the worst thing in the world. I was diagnosed with severe PP depression a few months ago, and I only had you. After my diagnosis you yelled at me in the car on the way home. You'd scream at me while I was crying, telling me I'm not some child who needs to be validated. You'd even tell me you wished you told me to get an abortion, in front of our son. You've gotten in my face. You forced me to have sex with you, when I told you no you continued and even made me do anal. After you finished you told me you were trying to prove you loved me. I was in pain for a week. You convinced me you loved me.. I really thought you cared. You told me you'd never leave again. I've never been in love before, I thought love was like this. I thought relationships just went through things like this. You convinced me I was the one who was wrong. I don't even love myself anymore. You didn't let me get a job, go out, or go to school. You said your education needs to come first, and you don't have long left so I should wait till you finished. You told me you'd never do this to me again. You said you'd change. Saturday I was in severe pain, I was laying in bed and when I needed help with my son you shamed me and made me feel like an awful mother. You put me down so much. Yesterday, I woke up in a good mood. I tried talking to you, and you had an attitude with me yet again. You left me and our son again. You won't talk to me now, when you told me a few days ago you loved me. You didn't even reply when I needed you to watch our son so I could go to the hospital for a severe migraine. I was shaking in pain, throwing up. I needed to go so I could feel better enough to watch my son. You left, but I know this is exactly what is best for our son. I can't keep you from seeing him, but I'll be damn sure nothing happens to him. You may not love him like I do, but I will love him enough for the both of us. I'm still hurting so bad. I still wonder why I'm not good enough. I still don't have an explanation.. I don't know what I did wrong, or why I deserved this. I begged you to try for me. I begged you to talk to me. I can only pray you change to be better for our son. I'm also thankful you're gone, now he doesn't have to hear those things anymore. He's 6 months but he knows when his mom is sad.

It'll take me time, but I have to do what's best for my baby. He's my world. You were once too, and you didn't deserve that.