Extreme Trust Issues

At the beginning of our relationship, he was so perfect. Literally like something out of a fairy tale. Unfortunately, I was going through hard times and didn't know how to act, having a good man for once, after all the mental, emotional, and physical abuse I've gone through with past relationships. The only issue we had was his mother. she hated me because she only knew what bad things my ex told her about me, LIES. well she had one of her crazy spells one morning and, long story short, my boyfriend and his mother both were arrested. The 34 days he spent in jail, I was homeless. Our fairy tale went downhill because of the choices I made. I got back with my most abusive ex since I ended up really bad off on drugs and didn't want to be homeless and alone. I was scared and I knew he'd take care of me despite the abuse. A couple weeks after my boyfriend got out of jail, we were back together. I wasn't bad on drugs anymore. I was happy. "I got my baby back." No, I didn't. he's different. because I hurt him by betraying him the way I did. our relationship was pretty rough then. I didn't want to lose him but knew he was slipping away. so I cheated. with a guy I didn't like or find attractive. to use him and because of my stupid thoughts telling me my relationship was over. I regretted it instantly. I still do. it eats away at me because my boyfriend has no trust in me now. this is the lowest we've been, and we've been through hell and back together. I've been trying everything I can think of to prove to him that I'm not that girl anymore. everyone sees how much I've changed for him. but he still goes to the extremes to spy on me. he hacks every email and everything I use my emails for. he sees everything I do. I can't talk to anyone privately. he gets suspicious over stupid things. I hate myself for making him this way. I just want the old is back. I love him so much and can't imagine being with anyone else, but I can't keep doing this. it's killing me to see the worry in his face and to cry together instead of laughing like we used to. I don't even recognize his face sometimes because he's so different. he's literally my hero. he changed me for the better and it saved my life. but I'm dying on the inside. I'm so close to walking away so we don't have to do this anymore but at the same time I'm so determined to get our old love back... I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to let it out a little while I cry next to him as he sleeps... please don't comment hateful things towards him since I'm the one at fault. he's a really good man....