I'm losing it

I laid down with my boyfriend but could only day dream of someone killing me. He said honey why do you like to sleep so much? I said because it's like dying. He thought I was joking even though I have told him how I feel about myself. He doesn't understand the true emptiness I feel. It's not his fault. And it's not even my fault I don't think. It's not my fault I have to live in this body that anyone would hate that requires surgery to fix. It's not my fault my friends or my own family dont want to keep in touch and talk behind my back for my past mistakes and for me being... me. I try for them though. I'm positive around them and act happy and caring. But it's like I'm invisible still.