First off, this post is titled as such only because I couldn't think of anything else.

So, on with my story. My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. Things are serious and have been for a while. I practically live with him. The only reason I still have my own apartment is because he's a paramedic that works 72 hour shifts so he's gone Thursday morning at 7am until Sunday morning at 7am so I'll stay home by myself when he's gone. We both make good money. We both have our s*** together. He has a four year old son that I have grown so attached to he's just like my own. Everything's great. For now at least....

But...

Here a couple months ago I got to noticing that he was mentioning having "baby fever" just in general conversation A LOT. Sometimes it's in a very serious manner, sometimes it's in a more joking manner. For example, one night we will sit and talk about baby names and do the boy verses girl thing, and the next night he just bluntly says, "I'm gonna put a baby in you" (usually after he's taken the first bite of whatever it is I've cooked for dinner 😂). At first I just blew it off as exactly that "baby fever". But damn it must be contagious. So, long story short, over the last few months, there has been no precautions taken against not getting pregnant. We weren't necessarily trying, but if it happened, it happened, and we would both be happy. And i truly believed that. He'd even told me so.

Until this week... 😞

So last week, my boyfriend lost his job. We have taken it as easily as possible, having faith and knowing that God has a plan and that with one door closing another usually opens. We were stable enough to be secure through a tough time and I still work so it's really been fine. But it's wearing on his conscience. He wants a job. He wants to work. He wants to provide. And right now he feels like he's not.

And that's not where it stops guys...

Hold onto your seats, because on top of everything else, guess who didn't show up on time (or at all). Yeah. I'm late. I took a pregnancy test and it showed negative. But she still hasn't joined the party. Now when I realized this, I was actually hopeful. I was excited. There could be life growing in me. And it would be our child. But that was quickly brought to a halt.

See we have been together for so long, he knows my cycle. With the pregnancy test showing negative, I haven't said anything yet, just in case she's late because of all the stress, but today, he looks at me and says, "have you started yet?" And I said no, and the look on his face was devastating. It wasn't angry, it wasn't disappointed, it was scared. I was quick to lie like an idiot and say, "no not till later this week." To which he replied, "I hope so, you would get pregnant while I'm unemployed."

I know he didn't mean it. I know he wasn't aware of what he was saying or how it would affect me or even the situation at hand. But my heart broke. Ive always pictured that moment in my head, the minute I told my significant other that we would soon have a baby, and always pictured him throwing his arms around me in joy and spinning me around the room. But now I'm scared. I don't even know if I'm typing this to look for guidance or maybe just to tell someone. Regardless, any feedback is appreciated.

10dpiui 9dpo.. BBT dip?!

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