Heartbroken.

Why do I feel empty as if I'm missing something?

As soon as I get ahold of something I want, It doesn't last long in my life. It's like nothing good is meant for me. People come into my life to shred my heart into pieces. WHY?

I always pictured my life being happy and I'm the total opposite. Nobody good ever wants me & if they do, they want something I HAVE not ME as a person. In my mind, I feel like I deserve the best. I feel like good things should always come into my life and remain there. Why should I have to feel like I'm not worth "it" why can't I ever get a "I'm thinking of you" any man that comes into my life makes me feel like everything I want is impossible to give or if I speak my mind I'm complaining. When I feel, I feel deep. So when I meet someone amazing my idea is to keep that person close to me. Maybe I'm not amazing because nobody ever keeps me close or is ever afraid of losing me.

When am I gonna be worth "it"?

I daydream about my future, but I always just see me. I never see a man or kids or pets. I just see me. I just see me in an empty house. Then I wake up, and even when I snap back into reality I see me & only me.

Is this a permanent thing?

Am I in this world to feel like I'm,not?

At least, I don't feel like I am. Sometimes, I don't feel anything good. Just bad. All bad.

Where is the good?

Where is he?

Does he really exist?

Is he still alive?

The amount of emptiness I feel is unexplainable. It's like I lost someone who was never there to begin with.

Why is that?

Where is my "happy"?

Who's to say I don't get a "happy"?

Even my dreams are deep. Sometimes I wake up & cry because I have dreams that I KNOW are real and will eventually play in real life.

Maybe I want love too much.

Maybe.

Will I ever get a chance to feel it?

Seems like any time I think I feel it, it wasn't "it"

But the way I feel, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

It's hard to pull yourself out of an anxiety attack , where you feel like you can't breath. Can't think. Unsure, but sure.

It's hard to hold in tears that are fighting so hard to run out, when the lump in your throat hurts & you do nothing but smile to the public wondering if anyone can tell you're screaming at the top of your lungs and hurting to the core.

When I look in the mirror, do I see what they see? Or do I see what the mirror sees. Where am i? Am I deep down or is this me?

If it is, I don't want it to be. The pain. The sleepless nights. The deep thinking. The emptiness. I don't want it.

My depression hurts. I get over it by myself. And it's sad, because I would love to have someone who feels deeply for me to wipe my tears. My hands are tired. They don't want to wipe my tears anymore. I need a humble person to heal me when I hurt.

Why doesn't he check on me?

Am I ugly?

Is it someone else? Probably.

I think I'm just not "it" for anyone.

I try to be.

I try to be a good fit.

It's always good in the beginning but then they switch up. Not caring about your feelings.

Not caring about the nights you cry yourself to sleep. Why don't they care?

Do they care?

Nobody wants me. But why?

I'm smart. I have natural talents. I have strive. I have strength. I can cook (a little). I turn up. I will stand by my man. I will protect my man. I will do anything to make my man happy.

But what did I do?

Why am I always just the mistress or the side chick and I don't ever know these things.....until after.

Why am I never the wife? The girlfriend? The lover? Do I not deserve it?

Why do I deserve to get my time wasted and my feelings hurt.

My heart is so broken, it feels like shattered glass on the ground that hasn't been swept up, yet everyone keeps stepping on it.

I want internal peace.

Internal happiness.

Can you just love me?

Can i be the one for you?

Can I hang out with you & your friends? I don't want you to choose.

Am I not good enough ?

Am I not smart enough?

I make you laugh.

I treat you nice.

I tone down my hood shit.

Yet, still not good enough.

So I have to let you go.