Is it right that this still bothers me?

So lets say I have a friend. I think she's beautiful and amazing. Were both female. I love this girl so emotionally I will die to make sure she is safe. I want to be there for her with ever trial that may come. We become so close we "fake date" and literally only have time for each other anyway. We have so many things we do together over the years its like rituals to be around each other. Anyway things are touchy feely. I can carry her hold her hand. she even lets me touch her chest in front of guys. However nothing sexual happens not even a kiss. 3 years in my feelings are so pure i just want to protect and be with this person. I love her to death. I do think about being in a relationship with her. occasional sex thought of pleasuring her. (not really a perv kind of way, just want to see her happy) but we enter highschool and i do my job be the fake gf keep the files and boys away just the same. During freshman year she moves away 30 miles away. Everything is still alright I take days to jump on a bus and go see her do my best i can. second year rolls around and boys are crawling all over me but there freaks in a click i ignore them. Till one day a new boy moves an outcast just as I am with no real friends he literally just to awkward and unnoticed. He puts way to much time in knowing me and im a lonely bastard no friends. He ask me out and I say yes. why not? I'm dating this guy we kiss every now and again. my friend becomes aware of this fact it catches her off guard i still have feelings for and love her so much id drop the world for her. She seems fine though everything goes on as usual. 3 years no interest has been shown not even a kiss. so I say fine maybe its alright to be with a boy. and i lose my virginity. she is unaware but i guess i made the mistake a month later of bring this boy to one of our happy places. she loses it. in these couple of days she's upset with me this boy decides to move back to his home state. I even give him a ride to the airport. this is the same day she calls me and tells me to pick up my stuff? so i go to her house the next morning she hands me a garbage bag of everything ive ever given to her for the last 3 years. She shuts the door in my face. i have no boyfriend who i later found out cheated on me anyway. (fine i suspected when this actually happened) no shock there. however a friend who i truly love is gone as well. It kills me eats me alive i miss her. I try talking to her i explain my feeling for her only to find she wanted the same thing. I feel myself physically begin to die. She suggest we don't talk. and the conversation goes dead. I'm suicidal of which I did try 3 times and only learned that my dumbass was pregnant at the time to (1broken condom) go figure i lose the baby. everything is spiralling down so quickly I can't fucking do it. I meet a boy I've know since highschool always thought he was cute only reason i kept going to school to see him. we start hanging out he helps me when im having a mental break down and literally trying to cut of my own arm. I turn into a sexed crazy freak with him just trying to feel because i couldn't feel sex at all. eventually my emotions become under control and life is okay i begin to feel pleasure and start smiling again. A year pass 365 days and she messages me again. I find out she has a boyfriend they started dating same time i got with my bf and she even tells me a bit about her sex life and it kills me. Am I still aloud to be upset about this I feel like i don't have a right since i was the hoe ffirst you know? like I've had sex why is it so bother some she did to? its not my happy place all the event and not having anyone why she's was being a perfectly normal girl killed me it still bothers me she's fine and never had to be around while i suffered with no friends. idk a year later still a dark place even though we've reconnect?