I need insight & help.

This is going to be a little long but I'm hoping to reach out to you guys in hopes to get some insight and opinions.

I have been "battling" depression and anxiety for years. Since I was about 13 or so, lets say about 10 years. At 13 I was admitted to a psychiatric ward for self harming (I couldnt stop, I reached out to someone I trusted and got help). After I came home I was prescribed two medicines for anxiety and depression and reffered to a therapist. After about a month my dad stopped taking me and told me "you dont need that medicine". I was fine for a little, obviously still depressed but coped through it. Ive had patches of self harming off and on due to losing family and my dad being emotionally and physically abusive. (Hes told me on several ocassions to kill myself and that he would kill me). Eventually I met a guy, fell in love, moved across the country and then back and we couldnt find work so he enlisted. He left in March and by May I wasnt showering, eating, couldnt sleep, couldnt leave the house. And nobody even cared or noticed. My only family where we lived at the time was upset with me because I cancelled plans and justl stopped talking to me. Come June a friend I was talking to called 911 because I didnt answer my phone. I went to the hospital by police car and they evaluated me and sent me home (I called my sister, the only family in the state, and she said the cop would take me home).. At that point I had no-one, my husband was gone it was just me all alone. Eventually my husband and I agreed on a divorce and I moved again. In May I was bleeding out in hotel bathrooms from cutting and just didnt have a purpose. In June I had the percect plan to finally just end it. But a friend ended up spending the night and all morning just talking with me. Shortly after I kept cutting but I have since stopped. I have awful scars and still have the urge to self harm to this day. Sometimes I fantisize about puttting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. What should I do? I'm embarassed to go to the doctor. Their appts are a month or more out (I live in a small town). I need help but I dont know where to go or how to help myself. I just want to feel normal.