Just venting.

So my fiancé and I have been together 2.5 years

I love my man and i believe he loves me.

I never want to lose him. However the past few months I have been trying in every way to make him feel attracted to me again. I know he likes heavier set lady's, I understand that. But I am not a heavier woman so it's kind of a slap in the face.

I found out 5 months ago he had been searching for BBW ladies online, chatting with them and sending pics, watching porn.

I forgave him but I am soo self conscious.

I don't like him to touch me anymore but I know if I don't please him sexually he will find another woman to do it for him.

I give him head every other day if not everyday. He doesn't offer sex any more. He says that I shouldn't be self conscious but

when I even mention wanting sex it's some sort of big deal and has an excuse as to why we can't. If we do have sex which was probably 3 months ago he wants me in my stomach the whole time

Like doesn't want to look at my face or something

He tries to touch my boobs when I give him head and I just want to start bawling my eyes out, because I know my boobs are not what he really wants. He wants bigger boobs and a heavier woman. I tried push up bras and I still feel so self conscious. I know it's not his fault but I hate myself because I know I'm not his "type"

I tried to gain weight but it's almost impossible. I'm just confused.

I don't want to leave him at all I just want to feel some sort of affection and self confidence.

I want him to touch and kiss me and want me the way it was when we first met.

He won't even make out with me anymore.

I almost just want to give up on wanting sex at all because I know he wants a different woman.

Sorry for venting.... I just need somebody to listen