Venting: Crippling Depression, Borderline, Anxiety

I haven't left my apartment in several days, and I've slept almost around the clock. When not sleeping i'm binge eating. My apartment is a disgusting mess, I'm fat, my schooling and work (both are online) are suffering from this because I absolutely panic just at the thought of logging on. I know, pathetic. I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago, which I thought was the right move, but since I'm borderline, I can never really trust myself. The longer I stay in this state, the harder it is the break out of it. Work keeps piling up, I fall further behind in school, my apartment gets more messy, I gain more weight...so then I just get too overwhelmed to move. I feel like I'm not even living, and I've felt this way for years, but sometimes it's worse than others. I can't bring myself to commit suicide for the sake of not wanting to hurt my mother, but living just feels like too much to ask...like if she knew the pain I was in, she would tell me it's ok to let go. But that won't happen, so I'm just fluctuating between a state of internal screaming and total numbness.

Sorry, I know this is depressing or may sound like whining, but I just really needed to let this out.