Hello all,

So there's this guy I met in 8th grade during my first year at a new school, let's call him C. We flirted literally all year long (he wrote me poems) but nothing ever happened. We took less classes together as high school began but still flirted well into junior year. I had feelings for him but I was too shy to do anything about it in 8th grade, and by high school I figured I had been making it up the whole time or his feelings had faded. I dated a few assholes, and by junior year this guy still flirted with me on and off. We rarely interacted, but every time we did I was left with a wry smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach. This kid was kind of known for his flirtatiousness tho, so I stopped taking it seriously. I labeled him a fuckboi and an old crush and moved on with my life. He eventually switched schools and we didn't speak.

Let it be noted that I endured a childhood of physical and sexual abuse from my father (who we left just before Christmas of freshman year) and my first year-long relationship (starting in April of freshman year) was a dude who raped me and sexually abused me as well.

Now I am a freshman in college, and a week and a half ago I was reminded of this crush and told my friends about him. The next day, I received a follow request on Instagram from none other than C. He slid up in my DM's so to speak and we've been talking ever since.

We asked how each other were doing, and reminisced about high school (meaning that we shit on the awful and/or embarrassing memories). I ended up telling him about my feelings for him back in the day, and he revealed that he liked me all the way up through junior year. He kept asking "Why didn't you say anything?!?!?!". I explained about my insecurities. He said we would have made an awesome couple. I told him I couldn't believe he had liked me through junior year because I had been a disheveled, emotional wreck (getting through the sorrows of being a rape victim and feeling suicidal), which resulted in me telling him the very short version of my experiences. In response, he told me how he had liked me for my intelligence, personality, and compassion, as well as how he had been diagnosed with mild depression, and even though he has everything he needs, he can't seem to be happy. We bonded a bit, it turns out that both of our moms recently kicked us out.

Ever since he learned that I had feelings for him for so long, he has been flirting and talking about cuddling and such. He lives in Georgia and says he is more than willing to make the trip down, but I'm not sure that it isn't all talk. He says he isn't a fuckboi anymore and that he is ready for a serious relationship. I want to believe him, but I haven't seen him in a long time and, even though we flirted, I never learned much about him as a person besides basic and slightly detailed information. The fact that he has liked me for so long makes me want to believe him, but I'm still not sure whether our current status is entirely sexual or if it is supposed to progress into a relationship.

I personally am fine with either, although I would prefer a relationship. I just (understandably) have trust issues and am scared of trusting myself intimately with someone I haven't seen in so long.

I really want this to work out. I told a few friends our story and they think it sounds almost like a fairy tale (he was flirty but he was also a kind and funny person). The problem is that I am afraid of, yet again, giving my trust to someone who will only abuse or reject me, and I am so full of self-hatred that I doubt he would still be interested if he were to see and interact with me now. I am scared of pushing someone kind and enduring away out of paranoia when something genuine and positive could actually exist. I don't want to make the same mistake I made in 8th grade by letting my insecurities form a wall around me, but I also don't want to lower my defenses to an enemy in disguise.

Any advice or similar stories? I am very excited and nervous and uncertain. How much of my trepidation is my own deficiency of self-confidence (and prior trauma) and how much of it is justified?

Do I act based on my excitement (with caution in mind) and see how things play out, or do I re-establish the distance between us out of self-defense and most likely lose contact with him for better or for worse?

Many, many thanks to anyone who bothers to read through this and respond. 🙏