To start this post: I have really bad depression. My first year of college was fantastic. I knew what I wanted to do and be. I had it all planned out. I finished my first year with a 3.95 GPA. I was psyched. I also finished without owing a dime in debt. I had all these scholarships. My second year...well...that's where I hit rocks. I lost my best friend, my job, and got evicted all in the same day. Best friend turned out to be not such a best friend after all. So I moved home. This just made my depression so much worse because I HATE living at home, but I can't get a job and move out because my grandma is sick and needs my help during the day. So I'm "failing" all of my classes (I say that in quotation marks because I have C's and D's, which as someone who has always gotten A's and B's my whole life, that's failing to me). I have decided I don't want to pursue what I set out to do, and I don't know what I do want to do. I'm so stressed out and depressed that I've just spiraled. I've started smoking weed every chance I get because the stress and depression is about to the point where I want to kill myself. So I smoke to avoid those thoughts. I've even taken ecstasy a few times to avoid it. This isn't like me, and I know it. I'm spiraling down a hole, and I don't know how to get out. I just don't know what to do because I'm at the point where I just want to drop out. I am not enjoying college anymore. I'm doing horribly in my classes. I'm broke. I don't have a major. I don't have friends. I live at home with no job. I have all my scholarships for now, but I'm scared I'm going to lose them after this semester. My scholarships cover everything as well as giving me a pretty large refund each semester. I want to take a gap year, but I know if I do that I will lose all of my scholarships and never be able to put myself through college later on. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I honestly didn't think I'd even live this long. I though for sure that I'd be dead before I was 18 because of suicide. Now I'm 19 with no direction. No plans. No idea what I'm doing. Also I really know I will disappoint my mom if I drop out...I'm the first kid that has actually gone to college. My brother is a heroin junkie and my sister works at a liquor store. My mom is so proud to have one that has "done something with their life," but college has driven me to the point of wanting to just end it. I don't know what to do....