Humiliated (I’m ridiculous).
This is going to sound ridiculous but oh well, it affected me badly.
Today at college I was just feeling run down and sad to start with. So I’m in my final class of the day and in this class my teacher has been wanting us to sit toward the front of the classroom. I’ve sat in the front the whole semester (although it’s on the far left, it’s still the front).
I have severe social anxiety disorder and this class requires a lot of communication so it gives me extreme amounts of anxiety but I always try to push through it. (I always tell myself to at least show up). So I do speak up when the teacher wants an answer and I’ve been doing that the entire semester (the whole duration of having this class).
So today my teacher got to class and they just immediately called me out. They said “[My name], you need to sit somewhere else. Whenever you sit there you just... sit there.” And I was so humiliated at that moment. And to make it even better people were actually freaking laughing at me. I couldn’t even believe that and I can’t even describe how I felt.... everyday I already want to disappear but that experience today... made me feel even worse. I can’t explain it.
And it also makes me incredibly angry. The fact they said I just “sit there”.....There have been numerous times where I participate in class and give great answers but in that moment I felt completely discredited for that. This is the first class I got the courage to speak up in but now it’s gone. I know I sound so dramatic but when you have something like social anxiety disorder and this happens.. honestly it feels like the end of the world. And honestly I’m a bit afraid to go back to that class. I’m just completely embarrassed.
Also during my teacher’s lecture, they hardly made eye contact with me. They only looked at me one time when usually they do a lot. It made me feel cast off in a way.
I realize I can be reading too much in this, however: I feel what I feel.
I’m just exhausted of being me... exhausted of having social anxiety... I’m thankful fall break is coming up.
Anyone have opinions about this? And maybe tips for not completely hating myself over this?