This awful thing happened, or nearly happened and I can’t seem to get it out of my head.

I keep replaying what could of happened and how different life would of been.

It didn’t happen so I don’t know why I keep replaying it over and over in my head, punishing myself.

I was putting my Sons car seat in the car and he was in front of me on the path. He was nearly 2 at the time and pushing the boundaries. I kept saying stay there to him with one eye on him, then he smiled a naughty smile and started to run in between my car and the parked one in front, out into the road.

There was a car coming quite fast and it literally happened in my mind.

I ran and grabbed his coat hood, which I lost grip of and then had to grab him again.

I feel sick even writing this now, but I just can’t seem to let it go.

I’ll forget about this incident then something will trigger it, tonight being Children In Need where a Mother lost her Son by him doing the same. I keep imagining what would of happened and how it would of played out, just like I’m watching a tv programme.

I am replaying it over and over and even went in to his room tonight just to check on his precious little face, knowing how different things could of been.

Someone please tell me to give myself a break and cut myself some slack.