I’m sorry but this is my truth.

I feel pregnant sometime around the end of September. I’m almost eight weeks along, and at first I was excited to be a mom and bring a baby into this world. I still am. But all I ever see other women talking about in regards to pregnancy is how happy they are, their “glow,” and how they’re celebrating their upcoming arrival. Me? I’m miserable.

What they don’t tell you is that you lose control of your body. I was warned of morning sickness and being kind of sad sometimes, as is normal for a woman in early pregnancy. What I wasn’t warned of is the way it takes away from who you were before the pregnancy. My appetite now consists of whatever I feel isn’t going to make me vomit instantly. I’m lucky if I manage to keep something down once a day. The past three weeks have consisted of constant vomiting and nausea coupled with a migraine that will not ease up. I can never be comfortable, whether it’s doing daily tasks or trying to go to sleep at night.

My career has felt the impact, as my shifts at work consist of locking myself away in the bathroom and counting the hours until I can get sick in the comfort of my own home. My mood, which was iffy due to hormones to begin with, has taken a nosedive. The toll of constantly throwing up, never being able to eat anything or even drink water, coupled with the migraine and my inability to sleep has made me the bitchiest version of myself I have ever been. Even my boyfriend has become offended because I’m always in such a bad mood.

I’m not trying to say that having a baby isn’t a miracle or a blessing or whatever, because it is. I have been waiting for this my entire life. I just wish I knew the toll it takes on a person.