My ex broke up with me mid October, right before midterms. I’ve been doing surprisingly well since then. There was a time he was trying to be my friend immediately afterwards and I shut that down. Told him I needed time bc he said he still loves me, and I loved him too but if we can’t be in a relationship I don’t want to continue a friendship. Not healthy for me.

But a week before thanksgiving my grandma fell and hit her head. She stopped breathing in the hospital and was put on a ventilator and transferred to another hospital. She’s having seizures. She isn’t waking up. She even developed an infection. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I stayed overnight in the hospital for six days, missing school. Then I went to school the first two days before thanksgiving break and went back to the hospital to stay over night for another four days. It’s looking like I have to stay every weekend in the hospital because no one in my family can do it for long periods of time like me. I don’t mind. Not at all.

But between catching up with school work and studying and homework I am so overwhelmed and stressed. Finals are next week. I haven’t slept well in 16 days, since she was admitted.

Part of me is sad that my ex hasn’t reached out. After two years of dating and saying that he loved me even when we were breaking up, I feel like it’s shitty to say nothing. It’s not a secret that my grandma is in the hospital. He still follows me on social media. He knows how much she means to me. But another part of me doesn’t want this situation to be about him. He does not deserve that. I just feel very guilty to want him to reach out.

I’m trying to cope with so much. Trying to accept that I probably won’t hear from him. Trying to balance my school life and staying overnight at the hospital and keeping a small social life so I don’t go insane.

Most of all, I might lose my grandma. She was so weak before the fall, and being on a ventilator is not a life she’d want. If she doesn’t recover she’ll be taken off the ventilator. If she does, we don’t know what kind of life she’d have. If it’s a life she would want. It’s so uncertain. I’m scared. And I’m sad. I just want to do everything I can to help and be close to her. She practically raised me. And I love her. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want her to suffer.

I’m just trying so hard to hang on.